Here I am.

Long ago.. i listened to this song and found peace..
Lost in an array of love.. Unexplainable to the world
but i tried..
I wrote of this angel.. so pure.. so real..
Sleeping in my presence..
I was so careful not to disturb this precious vision
But in reality.. I am too Real
My pain was unwelcome
My vulnerability had become his demise
He thought that his coming to me would cure all that had gone wrong..
So did I
So throughout our time.. I was weak.. only strengthened by the source of our love for one another
Only poisoned by my craving for him
His noise brought me comfort
His sin brought me pleasure
His entrance showed me the way out
So i throw his Halo down
Go back to where you came from
With my hate I am stepping down from this cloud
Never to look back into the darkness that has become your soul
I dont know you.. I will never know you
Stop haunting my dreams
Stay away from my thoughts
You are a curse from my past
Thrown at my feet..
Trickery was your best friend
"Hold me.. Walk with me.. Im so alone"
Ive seen the evils of your dreams
Ive seen the disaster brought by your wish
Im so glad I have seen you so well
So I push you down off your throne
You dont belong here in my mind
A glorified memory of what could have been
I can put anyone in that seat love
They only have to find their way into my soul
You are nothing compared to what will be
A fraction of what i must have
The hate is slipping deeper into my heart
They said i would come to this place
They told me I would see the truth
and here i am
Bleeding with the Truth running down my mind
I will not be denied this passage
I will find my own way out

On your own!

I wish I could take a moment and write something good.. something that leaves you with a smile instead of a broken heart.. so I will let you know when that is possible.

I dreamt of him last night.. my ex fiance.. it was a sign.. it was a nightmare... but it is what we have become...
His touch was cold, and it only hurt me more to see him that way.. to write me a letter and never mention his love for me. Is that possible.. to love someone so much and never love them again.. like a switch? Have I been loving the wrong way all along?
Is waiting to fall... resisting love... Taking your time.. Not fail safe?
Nope.
So if your taking your time to fall in love with someone.. dont bother.. You cant control what they will become. They may say Your love makes them want to be a better person.. but if they are not willing to Work for anything in life.. Then they just wont ever become that better person.
My affection had become a pacifier to a mommas boy.. A pacifier to men who are lonely but dont want to change their lives for Love...
Wouldnt it be nice to wake up tomorrow and have someone say.. You are my everything.. and I will do everything in my power to make this work.. I am Never giving up on us...
And then Actually do it?
Words are so weak and yet that is all i have to reach who You are.. Yes you.
I used to believe if i Just kept writing... If i just kept Expressing.. The One would find me..
Somehow I still believe this...
You will stumble upon these words.. roll around in my emotions and find your comfort that you have searched for... and not just crave to stay a while.. until feeling becomes too much.. but stay forever.
I looked at my life the other day and realized..
The one thing I want in life is to be in a Truly sincere relationship..
To have the rest of my life to look forward to
To give up nothing and give everything
To No longer search for the eyes I will gaze into for Years
but to merely look over at them
and I realized.. I am incomplete
Living.. striving.. Hoping
I dont believe in luck.. I dont believe what I need will fall into my lap
That is why i havent shut down what is left of me..
Im not broken.. Im just a little shattered..
Still one person.. just in different places
Im not like all the rest..
Id give a fortune to find another who has been abandoned by this world
and Still exists to make it theirs once again
Never giving up.. that is what it all comes down to
Yeah it hurts
Breathing hurts
Loving the wrong ones.. Hurt
Could the wrong one become the right one some day?
Do we think one day We will be enough to change the world
or just that One person out there
Is one person enough
Is one person just part of the road we travel.. then they hand us off to walk for a while alone..
until we stumble upon our next path.. our next attempt at completion?
27 years.. Twenty-Seven years people.. is that not long enough?
Welcome to existance
Welcome to humanity
Welcome to failure.. to living for our own individual dreams
to placing your name in a Jar and wating for your name to be picked
Welcome to finding it in your heart to forgive your creator
Welcome to finding salvation on your own
Point being.. On your Own!

Found myself in your eyes.

To take this life and make it worth one more day
To walk outside the finest line
Light meets Dark, never meant to coincide
Where the sun falls and the moon rises
Always running from the other
Come to gaze at the creation brought from darkness
At the world created from dust and thought
From Dreams and Passion
Come not look away at the lips that breathe for you
Press yourself tightly to my soul
If this is where you long to be
If this is what You long to feel
Let nothing say otherwise
Let this life be yours and the hardship be worth every drop of sweat
Let every pain of dissappointment be lead away with my kiss upon your lips
Let every harsh word be erased by the reaching of my hand
Do you know how to not look back?
Do you want to learn together?
Are you ready to take my hand and jump with me?
Not knowing how far we are to fall..
Does it really matter at all
We will land in a world only for us..
A place where every moment belongs to our future
A place where no one will stand in our way
Baby I know times are changing
And everything will be so new
I cant give my life for a maybe
I cant Love for an instant
If you give me a reason to fight.. I will fight
If you give me the word.. I will jump
If you make a promise.. I will believe
I never wanted to hurt you..
I only wanted to give you something you never knew
I never wanted to confuse you...
I never meant to get so confused
Ive unravelled into your fate
I never meant to fall into your path.. but here I am
You lifted me and held me tightly so id forget where I came from
Now id do anything to stay
So you ask.. am i sure..
And I reply Are you?
We shall find ourselves a resting place
You want me to show you what it means to be the only one
You want to see what I see.. to feel what I have known
You are worth passing a walk in the rain
A thousand nights lost in the cold
Running to you blindly, trusting in your belief in me
What if i fall or what if i break...
Ive let you tear down these walls
Your like the rain i wait to fall
Your like the moon i wait to rise
You watched every piece of my soul fall away
And you caught each one and held it close..
Waiting for the moment to hand them all back to me
Tell me this is the point of no return?
Tell me you will never settle for less than to take my hand
I chose this place
You chose to walk with me here
Do you deserve more than what I am?
Tell me your not letting me go
Tell me there is no turning back now
Tell me we are in this for the right things
That we are making the right choice
That love is just a word
and we Are beyond those words
So we dont believe in soulmates
But our flames are so bright in eachother
We can live apart.. but say You refuse to.
I didnt say hello ever believing i could fall in love with you
I didnt ask to be given a reason to believe in you
You opened your eyes when they have been closed for so long
You answered a call that gave you a destiny you never knew
You asked if I were an angel
and if i were... would you love me the same
Knowing how i fall time and time again
Watching me suffer for reasons unknown
Could you believe its supposed to be that way
Just as blind as you can be..
Just as fragile as you once were..
Even i cannot see the justice in it all
There is one judge love..
One place we are meant to go..
Our path there is our choice
And the road we travel is paved by decisions we make..
One by one..
I refuse to believe im the only one feeling
a little lost in it all
I refuse to feel that im losing you in the end
i have found everything i need in who you are
and found everything i wanted to be in your eyes

My ex ad-libbed my masterpiece...=\

Take the pain and force it down..
Take the doubt and run away
Do it all again..
Over and over until you bleed
Dont pretend you care
When its convenient
Dont walk away from me run biotch while i stand here crying
There was nothing left for me here
You drawed a picture and made me look retarded
Now I cant look away
You created a warmth that felt so good like cheezwiz..
Now I dont want to be cold
On and On
I do it all again
I fall and stub my damn toes all over again
You dont Fade away But you dont shine anymore
Watch me look at you with disgust
I dont deserve to eat cake
I dont want to cry
I am running out of time
I sat back and looked at my life today
I seen the loose ends..
I want to tie them in knots
I want to be free of my needs
Free of my addictions
I dont want to Need
I dont want to crave what you are
If I could just love something else more than I love you
Then i should be ok
I cant let this take me away like calgon
But the voice in my head tells me to run forest
before it kills me
When will i just listen
For once will i fucking do it right
Will i do it all over again
What has caused me to be so lazy
This life is not for me
This dream is only meant for sleep
If you need someone to annoy you
I can no longer be there
I cant be by your side
Where do you expect me to piss as you cry
But its ok, I should make it through
Its gonna smell whether its me or you
smack me.. you cant your far away
beat me.. you cant.. theres nothing left to say
Nothing in common except for doritos...
Just a fire faded away
Wasting another day
your not close enough to see into my anus..
To remind me what homer simpson could be
but your close enough to keep a ham sammich on me

I sang into your ear as you slept
only to tell you im here for you if your sleep breaks
To comfort you.. because i know your life is not easy
You have so much on your mind
and no time to see what you are doing

Not enough.

Breathing...
Missing the whispers in my ear
Eyes closed..
I feel your hand in mine once again
There is a burning in my heart once again.
Open my eyes to nothing
Roll over to emptiness
Fall asleep to thoughts of you
Waking to a silence of your absence.
I close my eyes once again.. trying to convince myself of so many things
I try to feel you next to me
I try to hear the voice i so long to hear
Can you feel me?
Reaching out to you
Can you feel me pushing you away
To become your runaway love
To be chased forever
Never attained
To love so deeply..
To hate so much more
This is not enough