Eyes wide Open

It doesn't matter how high you hold your head up..

2012-01-30T13:04:00.002-05:00

...When you are walking at the bottom of the sea..

This past month and December have been 2 of the worst months I have experienced in such a long time. There is a pain and an emotional instability that I never thought I would have to face again.. but then, out of sight out of mind. Once I had made it through times such as these, I had forgot how insane I had been driven to become :(

You know, being here and writing, sharing, feeling, was a place I wanted to be, then the havoc in my life started and I felt myself pulling more and more away from the things that made me feel good. On top of the chaos, full time school started up again and for the first time I heard myself say outloud during a break down.. I just don't care anymore, I don't care about school, I just want to give up trying. Hours later after I was somewhat stable again, I couldn't believe after all of these years of dreaming and praying to be able to go back to school, that these words had come out of my mouth.. I was ashamed and yet, I still couldn't find it in me to fight anymore. Not that day anyhow.

At this moment, I am unsure if I am in the eye of the storm, or holding on in the calm after the storm.. I dont know what is behind door number 2, I dont know what tomorrow is going to bring, and I don't know where the hell I am going to get the strength to make it through anything else..

I avoid using details because A. some are embarrassing, maybe even shameful.. traumatic but not something people talk about. B. Some of these things are a matter of life and death.. although it is not my life or death, it will extremely and has already extremely effected my immediate family and myself. C. There is a poetic beauty to every tragedy, and in my vagueness, I plan to find something beautiful in the end of all of this. A way to harness the emotion and paint a story.

Sometimes when you are lying there bleeding.. you have that moment of serenity and clarity.. perhaps that moment of hope and strength.. I think those are the moments that have pushed me to just make it out alive one more day...even though the war is not over, and I see no end in sight.. what doesnt kill me.. will EVENTUALLY make me stronger.. *sigh*

Self Eval for Life in a Bag speech

2012-01-25T12:55:00.002-05:00

Name:______Catherine Dodson__________________ Topic:_________Life in a bag___________

Life in a Bag Sections	Points
INTRODUCTION (10 points) Gained Attention Showed relevance of LIAB presentation to audience Statement of LIAB presentation clear	1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 1 2
BODY (10 points) Main points clear and Organization effective Strong evidence and supporting material Language precise, clear and powerful	1 2 3 1 2 3 4 5 1 2
CONCLUSION (10 points) Transition to Conclusion clear Audience prepared for conclusion Memorable close	1 2 3 1 2 1 2 3 4 5
DELIVERY (20 points) Solid eye contact was used throughout the presentation Uses voice effectively (rate, volume, vocalized pauses) Uses non-verbals effectively (posture, facial expressions, movement, hand gestures) Shows enthusiasm for the speech Appears confident and in control Uses note cards discretely 3-5 items clearly explained Speech was 5-6 minutes	1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 　 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 1 2 1 2 Yes or No
TOTAL POINTS POSSIBLE: 50	48/50

No one is listening..

2012-01-11T00:34:00.002-05:00

I often find it strange that I am writing a blog and I feel I am speaking to someone..
but no one is listening..
But then I feel maybe one day, my past will be interesting.. and they will search for these tiny treasures in the world that meant something to me..
Like a beautiful song implies, it isnt until you are dead when people start listening..
Maybe this is my way to live on forever..
I have kept written journals from my past locked away in my closet.. perhaps someday.. someone from the future will care enough to read them..
I guess no one has found me interesting enough to want to know everything about me.. every thought, every care, every worry.. every random quirky epiphany I had on that day..
Luckily I find myself interesting enough to archive these things of my life.. and I find it just as interesting to go back and read my lonely words..
Am I in love with myself?
Someone needs to be hahah!!
I have so many friends that pretend to care.. but do they? Is it so wrong to want someone to be enthralled with me? Is it so wrong to wish I found someone that I could feel the same about?
I am starting to wonder if my dreams and beliefs were too far fetched to begin with..
if my ideas of Love and soul mates have become more of fairy tales and daydreams.. things that do not exist.. But why cant they?
I cant be the only one..

A few thoughts..

2011-12-21T10:39:00.002-05:00

Today was the first "last day before christmas break" that I did not receive one gift from the kids on my bus.. not One card or candy cane or cookie... Not a mug or candle.. just Nothing.. I am not a greedy person, I am a sentimental person who has saved every picture or card given to me in the 7 years that I have been doing this job.. and sadly, I have nothing to save this year.. only the memory of sticky fingers from the candy canes pased out to them and one kid puking on my bus this morning..
Merry Christmas Miss Katie...

Many years I have only received one or two cards or small gifts, like a home made ornament or a candle from the dollar store.. but it was the thought that made me tear up.. and this year Not one parent thought of me.. I remember my first year I was SURPRISED that anyone thought of me.. but they did.. and I was like wow.. maybe I am appreciated.. (and I am going to keep this part of the post non-hostile) There is no magical message to pull out of this.. My optimism has been worn thin this month. So, Yeah, it was a rant.. and I dont care to put anymore thought into it..

So far today I have cleaned up puke, changed a shitty diaper and gained a pound since I woke up eating nothing.. I know its been awesome..

On another note.. I have found a place for my poetic side in an amazing community of support at deviant art.. who knew they had a literature/poetry community.. seems to go hand in hand.. since I have found much inspiration from DA in the past by viewing through the visual art over there.. The great thing has really been the response, the comments, the faves, the friends.. I dont know how, but it inspires me to write.. and also to write better.

I think it is time that my writing takes a new step up in maturity.. I love to eiminate simplicity when it comes to writing and tie in metaphoric messages that few may get, but those that do Really get it.
I hope I can make use of this little vacation from college and work to write a new piece before the new year.. I am feeling creative and can only hope that that in which pours out of me is worth writing..

I dont think I am going to work out today.. I still have a lot of wrapping to do and I need to get it done this afternoon.. NOT christmas eve. This will be my first christmas eve and christmas morning with my kids in about 5 years.. so I am pretty excited and I want to make some memories (hopefully) Anti-anxiety pills here I come lol!!

The Awakening..

2011-12-17T09:39:00.002-05:00

Wow.. I wish wow was all I could say... but this dream last night was insane..

The simple facts..
I was standing in the mirror and saw about 2 inches of a metal stake sticking out of the right side of my chest.. there was blood around it and I was not horrified because I had seen it there from previous dreams.. i touched it a bit and I could tell that it would move if I pulled it.. but I was afraid.. I moved it about half an inch out and it started bleeding pretty bad.. so I hurried and put my shirt back on and decided to ignore it.. for now

Somehow I was homeless and carrying a baby around.. and I found out I was in another country.. because I kept thinking I need to get to a hospital and get this stake taken out. But I was afraid they wouldnt take my insurance in another country.. I was afraid of what would happen if I pulled it out myself.. would I bleed to death? would there be a gaping hole? I knew I needed medical professionals to be there to FIX me.. I dont know. but I do know it had been in there so long there was scar tissue forming around it..

I was at this homeless shelter.. and I remember hiding my purse and taking a shower with my clothes on in this open gym looking shower next to another lady with her clothes on..I remember feeling like I just wanted to wash my hair.. I just wanted to feel clean..

Now the not so simple facts.. the dream interpretation...

The Dehabilitation
The baby.. well I always have a baby. I have always had my children to put before me and think about first.. but the fact that everything I was doing in this dream was One handed, because i was always holding this baby in my other arm cradled against me.. Always protecting them and yet being hindered by their presence.. I am not resentful of this, but I am dehabilitated by this in so many ways

Finding Home
I had this overwhelming sense of not being lost by being homeless, but feeling like I had nowhere to FEEL safe. I felt uneasy and worried and controlled in ways by the shelter.. I was not free and I was uncomfortable. It makes me see that this is how I feel in my waking life. Truly and honestly I cannot run and hide from HIM.. even when I go to another place in the house.. he is still here and able to cause damage and he often does.. yelling from the basement or coming up and finding something the kids have done wrong... especially when he is already in one of his moods.. and as much as I should feel that this is my safe haven.. that this is my home and my heart should feel at ease here.. it doesnt..not unless he is at work.. that is the only time I truly feel comfortable being "home"

The Removal
This... is the most powerful message from this dream.. one that many may not agree with, but it is my mind, my emotion, my dream, my epiphany.. and This is the message I received last night through this dream.. or was it through the awakening?
I have had this stake in my chest for years.. i have dreamt of it for years.. and yet nothing ever urged me to take it out.. At any point I ever thought to take it out, I always thought, no it would kill me.. I would bleed to death.. Not this time. This time I started thinking above that.. planning to have the medical professionals or in real life The life saving crew, standing by to repair the damage as best as they can and hope I make it through the surgery....Finally in this dream, I Wanted it to be removed.. i wanted it out and I wanted to stop having to work around it. I was ready to take that risk of seeing what would happen when it comes out. I just Despised the fact that it was in there anymore..
But of course all these roadblocks.. who would hold the baby while I went into surgery, how would i pay for it if this other country didnt take my insurance, where would I go to rehabilitate if I had no home??
I think the message is pretty clear..there are and will be road blocks.. but I am going to prepare myself for surgery. I can't live like this any longer. Its killing me either way. People have told me "You will never be happy" people i once loved or had a relationship with.. and at one point I started to believe this.. but now i am thinking to myself.. "What kind of fucked up person tells someone this?" Just because YOU couldnt make me happy.. doesnt mean my happiness doesnt exist..
I am a pretty damn happy person on my own.. I just need someone with the same personality.

Well I know this may be confusing to some, but it is crystal fucking clear to me..

-Katie

So Dim...

2011-12-11T09:03:00.001-05:00

I just woke up, eyes swollen from yesterdays breakdown, and I am truly not sure if I would rather still be lingering in last nights dream or todays reality.

Yesterday started out as such a good day.. and quickly snowballed into a day that I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say Fuck Everything.. I really dont want to go into details, because what caused this disturbance is done and over with.. The question is, Where do I go from here? How do I "deal" with it? How do I "learn" from it? How do I "accept" it?

I would like to think I am a fairly emotional stable person.. In the eye of danger I tend to not only stay straight faced and void all thoughts of panic, but I take charge of the situation fearlessly. I do what needs to be done. My mind works so clear at these moments... After the resolution.. after I am out of the situation and back into safety.. THAT is when I lose it.. never fails.

My heart just starts painfully ripping itself apart, blame is thrown every which way in my mind, usually at myself, Chest aching, tears streaming, the inability to talk without crying harder.. Hatng myself, my life, wanting to lay down and die, wishing I werent alive, HATING Life and all the bullshit I have to get through just to have one fucking day worth smiling for... What is that? Oh My good friend the mental breakdown.

Apparently this dark shadow took me yesterday and did not want to let me go.. in fact he stuck around in my dreams and is still lingering not so quietly within my soul. In the silence of the morning, before anyone chose to wake me or themselves for that matter... I wake up and get to listen to the silence of the house as the war in my mind seems miles at distance, it may have moved onward, but I can still hear it, it is still visible in the distance, and I am standing here with bodies all around me...

I made it out of that battle alive.. and though the bodies in their death veils seems somewhat confusing to me.. I can only assume these are some my guardians laying there motionless..
The reasons in life
to NOT give up
to NOT hate myself
to NOT choose eternal sleep over all else...

Because these Reasons, these "Guardians", love me so much, they would die by my side..
They would die FOR me just to give me one more day of breath if they had to choose...

and for me, in that moment of my most recent battle, where I wanted to throw down my defenses and let the darkness take me away.. where I was so weary and exhausted by battle after battle, one hit after another, constantly defending my life, my happiness, my light... to give up would solve nothing, shatter lives, create darkness in so many live... to take away my light, would be a selfish act of great proportions..

They rose up around me and showed me light when I could no longer remember its existence...
Through being what I have been known to be.. In mirror image..
Strength to the weak..
Voice for the silent..
Beacon for the Lost..

I have shown my soul to so many over the years, without fear..
Today, in the aftermath, I need to find reason
I have to remember what many of my friends in life may Never understand..
GOD
His purpose for me..

I NEED to continue my journey..

This could get messy...

2011-11-30T13:41:00.001-05:00

Obviously my last post was a Long drawn out rant about getting ready to start school.. and now here I am 2 weeks from semester Wiser and more comfortable with the idea that my brain has Not turned to mush.. In fact I have surprised myself with an almost A+ average in all of my classes...

Sure sure this is only my first semester back in 10 years, and general ed classes arent that challenging, but I beg to differ in some ways.. I for one never knew Algebra wasnt a rubix cube.. if you only take the time to learn something and truly want to learn it, you can.. well I can (so far anyway) I was a c-d student when it came to algebra in high school.. so for 10+ years, I had the privilege to say I was never good in math.. but now, I have had a new door open up for me.. Hmm Maybe I Can be good in math.

I have realized that school is not a test of what you know, that we were not born with a bucket of knowledge and schools are just there to see what was in YOUR bucket.. Quite the opposite, We were born with a bucket of tools, and schools and teachers are there to TEACH you (wow, odd concept) how to use these tools. It has been an eye opening experience so much so that the speeches with my own kids have changed from, well sometimes we just arent good at things... to, if you Want to be good at it, you need to work for it... ask questions, ask for help, get tutoring...

I never thought I would be the one in class helping Other people learn how to solve an equatic equation.. but I am.. and it feels pretty good.

Now, as for this next semester coming up.. I STILL have anxiety all over again, but for a few different reasons.. I am about to take the next level up in Algebra, and I cant help but feel the same intimidation that I felt back in August :( But I WILL do my best, like I had said before, That is all I have to give. I am honestly still waiting to run into that brick wall that says You CANT do this.. you CANT learn this.. Its too hard.. (I am contradicting myself in my thoughts right now lol) but this is me, this is truth.. this is how I feel and what I fear.

The kids have adjusted well to me going to school, although I have run into a few problems regardless of whether I am in school or not.. Test nights are so stressful for me.. I am on edge and tense and nervous... and I just want peace and serenity and SILENCE... Not going to happen.. unfortunately the kids Will be kids.. and I will be... well... Angry LOL!!

Tomorrow at noon, I will find out if I can get into the Biology class I desperately need (only if someone gets purged for non payment tonight) But I have come to terms since registration day over a month ago that I may NOT get into it this semester.. It also kindled a little fire in me that says, I just cant sit here and do Nothing.. I need to do Something.. Sooooo I changed my Major to Nursing and I will still work on my Radiology degree as the classes become available.. this way, I will have a choice when it comes down to it. Unfortunately at my college there are only 18 seats available into the rad tech program PER YEAR....???!@?@?! ....yeeeaahhh.... SO beginning in January, I am going to apply for as many scholarships for nursing as possible so I can afford the Bridge program into a nearby (overpriced) university of St Francis... Back up plan you ask?? Well JJC offers a less credible RN program, but with 4 kids, a limited income, and limited time.. I have to do what I can do, and just be thankful that I am no longer treading water trying to survive... Sure, I may be swimming upstream.. but atleast I am still swimming and not standing still just accepting life as it is.

I have dreams, and without dreams you dont care to go anywhere other then where you are.. I am not going to watch another year of my life just drift away.. Not anymore...

Welp, Spongebob is on and me and Damien have a date at the Krusty Krab me mateys...
-Katie OUT!! LOL

Hmmm...

2011-07-14T17:36:00.003-04:00

Been a long time since I visited my super secrety place.. sometimes I even forget the password.. I do have the memory of a freeze dried Pea.. but yeah. Been doing a lot of Non-thinking lately.. I do NOT want to think and I do NOT want to do.. and yet the anxiety of all the things i need to do and think about feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.. this cycle of avoiding and re-avoiding is most likely not taking me to higher grounds.. because I already feel my feet getting wet.. and I HATE wet socks.

I am afraid for the most part.. hence the anxiety.. I am mainly afraid of failing at school.. HELL I am afraid that if I dont get shit done that I wont even get in this semester at all.. I HATE that I have no one to tell me what to do.. because one minute I thought I had done everything I need to do to register for the fall... and in this minute, I have discovered that I still need to get a HS transcript AND take the act compass test at the college to place me in the correct level of classes.. The good news is the test can basically be taken anytime.. the bad news is.. I NEED TO STUDY for it... and what havent I been doing? Studying.. Why? Because I am afraid that my brain no longer works.. so afraid that I am trying to shut it down.. Can you hear it? The screeching brakes?

...><...

OUCH!!

I have called the school city of hammond Thrice now over the past 3 days and left 2 messages.. today I spoke with a receptionist that said "Well they leave at 3:30" and I kindly replied, "I called before that and 2 days prior and left messages and no one is returning my calls.." She apologized for them. I confirmed the number with her and she said I could also use an extension # and she put me on hold while she found it... 2 minutes later.. she somehow hung up.. Wonder if she went to hammond schools? Probable!

I Saw my little sis updated her status earlier to "Please please wish me good luck" wth?? what for? So I tried asking on FB, I tried calling twice, and I texted her a few times... NADA.. maybe she wanted luck so today would be better then yesterday for her? lol Who the heck knows... Needless to say her and I are going to see the new Harry Potter movie this weekend and I wanted to buy tickets early so we can be sure to get in at a Time her and I both need due to our hectic lives.. and I can't get a hold of her for that either.. grrrrr...

Waiting for Jimmy to get home again.. wonder how THAT is going to go... yesterday he was so Lame. I hate looking forward to him coming home because When he is in one of "Those" moods... I just feel so disappointed and ALONE! it is 4:57pm and there is an 80% chance he is going to text me any minute and say.. gonna be late... Sometimes, well a lot of times I think WOW what an incompetant company he works for.. and then I count my blessings that he has a job at all..So I can't complain about him running late.. he does enough of that for the both of us.. not like we ever and I mean EVER have big plans... nah our existence is basically mundane and predictable.. he will come in, complain about work, being tired, being hot, having to shit (50% chance) ask me whats for dinner, then procede to get his stuff together for work tomorrow, ask me if he has clean *enter random peice of clothing here*, then he will most likely play on his ipod whilst laying in bed or the computer... as he lays there he will ask me to go get him something to eat... from a drive thru.. not from the kitchen.. I will say no, he will Promise something.. anything to get me to go lol.. SO LAME *sigh* Why do I look forward to this again? No really.. why?

Luckily I have reserved 2 movies at the redbox and will go pick them as soon as he gets home.. at least I will have the entertainment to numb my mind.. right?

I have been craving steak lately.. man I seriously want a big juicy tender steak..seasoned to perfection. I can almost taste it.. Too bad if I want steak.. I have to make it for myself.. I should have married a chef! ...and a maid.. and a nanny.. and an outdoorsmen to take me camping and roast marshmallows with me.. :(

I am seriously feeling resentment that if I want to do anything.. I basically have to do it alone or twist Jimmys arm 17 times to get him to begrudgingly join me (is that a word?) I want to go camping. I want to go to the zoo, the beach, the museum.. I want to go hiking, hang gliding, deep river water rafting.. I want to travel out of state.. I want to someday tour Europe.. I want to go for walks, go to the park, go swimming, I want to LIVE... I want to interact with adults.. go on double dates.. have partys.. go to partys..

God I am depressing myself

...

2011-05-13T23:48:00.004-04:00

You love to play in simple roles
A careless friend
A laughing fool
To hide beneath the wealthless drought
A heart unscathed
Absent of doubt
But time has not been kind
the lines you watch them spread
Your hand goes empty
Your soul unanswered
The scars all hidden from where you once bled
Your eyes scream in hunger
but your mouth never empty
Yet a sorrow resides
Behind a mask for all to envy
Confusion set aside
A beast yet untamed
In hells breast he hides
Set free from his name
Lie cold on this night
Make dreams of the shadows
Alone you are free
to conjure what follows
No blood to share flame
But desire brings warmth
Enough to ease the pain
from the emptiness within your arms

Katie gets a Kodak zi8! Yay cakes!

2011-03-08T11:32:00.000-05:00

In Between.

2007-11-04T17:16:00.000-05:00

So im lost in the night
Nothing is alright
I am calling out to you
With a pain i have never known
Im calling on your strength
Cause this poison is coursing its path
How could i see a future
While i linger in my past?
This ache is too much to keep
These wounds have gone way too deep
Im asking you to take this all away
Just promise me my one more day
It is just too much to take
Please help me get through
Was I chosen to endure?
There is nothing left that i can do
Im lost and bound to this floor
I am laying this all down for you
I just cant withstand this anymore
I bow down at your feet
I reach deep within my soul to meet
You..
Somewhere
In between
I put my faith within your word
But i feel as if Ive gone unheard
That this life is being stolen from me
I am trying to touch..
what I cannot see
I want to let the sorrow go
I want to look at the sky once again
There are so many things i still need to know
So many words my soul must sing
I need to feel your spirit..
Lift me from this place
To hold me and release me from
What this world cannot replace
Give me your solace
Fill me with your light
Guide me on this path
Beside you I will fight.
-Catherine D

2007-08-09T10:56:00.000-04:00

My sweetest thing,

I am sorry i could not stay with you
This world was just too much
I pray you are looking down on me
Remembering the grace left by my touch

Please forget the days
You found me wrapped around myself crying
I think i knew, before my time
I was merely breathing but always dying

I faded away before i was born
The Screaming lasted much too long
Comforted by the embrace of love
But the darkness was never truly gone

I reached out blindly, Eyes wide shut
Praying for relief, Trying to survive
No matter what i held on to
No matter how hard i tried
I could never find a way to simply feel alive

The precious soul i will miss
My love, My only star
Please know that in this darkened world
I was never meant to get this far

Because of you I suffered
Breathing for only you
Watching over the choices you made
Holding on till I was sure i knew

That you would LIVE without me
That you would find a way
That even in the shadows of what once was
You would shine through night and day

I was merely holding on
As to not leave you behind
But no longer could my hand grasp tight
I fell from you and took my life
Consumed by shadows within my mind

Please forget the sickness you have seen
The ways I bled, the ways I screamed
Please forgive me for leaving this way
I may not be living by your side
BUt i will find the moments beyond this day

To touch your heart
To relieve your pain
To dance with you
Beyond my shame

I made sure to use the other sheets
The ones you never liked
And layed myself upon their threads
Closed my eyes to remember life

When the rain falls, please do not dance alone..
But close your eyes and feel me there
Let your skin tremble and bring you home

When the wind caresses your face,
Feel my breath upon your soul
For I live now in the open
Free from my body
Laughing in the daylight
As my body lies there cold

When the night falls upon you
Hear the whispers of my love
Because I assure you I am still loving you
From my grave, as you stand above

I am no longer in pain
I see not the demons eyes
Passing on the streets of earth
Parading in their flawless disguise

I am no longer afraid
Of losing the ones I hold dear
I have released you from what i am
When you are ready to fly
A promise on death
On loss of breath
I promise my love...
I will meet you here.

Tragic Ending.

2007-05-22T18:24:00.000-04:00

I am afraid I cant say this
That too much would be at risk
Im afraid I cant do this
If only you caught wind of this

Im afraid to let my heart
fall into the sea
Afraid to let the tears come out
Leading him to question me

Im afraid to know Im here
Hiding from the world

i didnt want to hear you crying
I knew i should have lied
When you said "i doubt you ever loved me"
I shouldnt have let you hear me cry

Im going to make you dissappear
There is nowhere with me that you can stay
Im going to erase all of you from here
I think it is best i look away

You walked over the words i have said
Wore my love like a crown
and left me for dead

You said i never listened
I say you never spoke
I told you i moved on
You must have thought it was a joke

You thought i would wait
until you had the time
I told you i was leaving
you said that is fine

You agreed we were different
We wanted different things
But now you say you were wrong
and confused about so many things

Im still hearing songs
That silenced me to sleep
When you werent around to hold me
Cause there were other places you wanted to be

The pieces never fit
I knew that all too well
But I was determined to save our love
Even when it left me..
Loving you in hell

But some things never change
Some hearts will never mend
Some stories are just more beautiful
When they find a tragic end

GAH

2007-05-21T11:02:00.000-04:00

I have found a place
I now call home
Lying in his arms
Lost within his eyes
I cant force the words to rhyme
I can only speak the love i find

Take me my love
Walk with me this life
Do not allow me to fall behind
Do not look away
For this life is so short
But let this love be eternal
Creating what has been only an idea
Living what has been only a myth
Ill never make you beg to hold me
You need only open your arms
Let us forget what has fallen behind
That in which has made us strong
That in which has made us hurt and hate
Close your eyes and breath This
Know you will not go without ever again
Know that no words will ever be wasted
That I count them like I have counted the days until i found you
That I hold them as a mother very first holds her child
Know you are safe
That love can be our guide
To see us through the obstacles
To lead us through the night
And when it rains dont run
Just hold me close and know
That it cant rain all the time..
and when it ends..
we will still be standing
Forgive me when I am weak
even an angel makes mistakes
That i dont hang my head in shame
I am only watching where I am going
But sometimes you cant avoid stepping in the wrong places
Know my heart is for you..
That you can do no wrong
That this is who you are
and who you are, is who i love
And we are learning to be Us
Patience is a virtue, given to us by the hand of god
An ingredient to all that is great and wonderful in this world
To love.
Without it we cant be whole
Outside of it we are left alone
Patience is strength to weather all storms
Know I give this to you
That there will be days we just dont understand one another..
But the moment you pull me into your arms..
I understand why I am there.

For Us.

2007-05-20T02:49:00.001-04:00

We have brought ourselves to a place
where we have seen too much to look away
A place that has been so frightening
and yet so tempting and inviting
Only dreamt of eyes forever
and i am waking now that we are together
Giving away the aching
Handling it outside of pleasure
I see you now in this light
Laying so peacefully
After our bodies have so perfectly formed
..into one
The only one i ever want to be
And i adore you.
I love you for everything you are
Even though you are so unlike me
I love that you laugh in the most awkward ways
I love that I am your best friend and you trust me
You truly trust me
I love who I am now
The smile on my face when i pass a stranger
because i am thinking of you
I love that the girl I thought I was
Has finally become the woman I always needed to be
I love that it is ok to need you
and that you are not ashamed to need me
I love that your eyes light up when they meet mine
even when we are pretending to be mad at one another
I love that neither of us knows how deep our emotions run for the other
but we can only fathom.. because we know it is unimaginable
I love being your favorite and your best
And I love that you want to be reminded that you are mine
You are changing around me
Almost as if I have freed you from the world
As if you were just waiting for me to exist
.. the way i had imagined you would be
and to believe for once
it happened right
for us.

Breathe into me

2007-05-14T20:22:00.000-04:00

I find it hard to tell you
That my heart is in your hand
I find it hard to say the words
to turn the glass and reverse the sands

I find your eyes an enigma
I have never been able to see
A sign from within
pointing to you
when i find you looking inside of me

I find in your smile a poison
Paralyzing my heart
Slowing to notice Every moment we make
Making me pray for one less day
Of life before You depart

I find in your embrace a passion
Cascading warmths of fire
Pulling me closer
Stealing my breath
Pushing my hopes into burning desire

I find in your soul a place
Left open wide for me
Born not whole
Far from a deadened soul
I breathe into you
You breathe into me

Solved.

2007-05-11T04:53:00.000-04:00

I have been running too long
Afraid to face my fears
Afraid to turn around
and see you still standing here

I have been hiding way too long
In this game of hide and seek
Afraid that you will catch me
and hold me down until im weak

I have been dreaming much too long
Of things that dont exist
Afraid that maybe they do
when im left with dreams of you
I want to wake up and forget all of this

I have been living in a place
where i dont have to see your face
Afraid to stumble in memories
Left in the ashes i cant erase

I am not lost, I know I'm doing fine
Just hiding in a place
I know you could never find
Cause even though i solved your labrynth
You have gone lost and forgotten..
Within Mine

What did you expect?

2007-05-10T18:41:00.000-04:00

Tell me what it is you want me to do?
Walk away from my life and crawl back to you?
Your eyes are deceiving
You had me believing
That your words were your bond and your bond was true

Tell me how it would have been
If you didnt lock me out but let me in
But you built a wall
Said screw it all
And you expected me to not drift away in the wind

Tell me what it is you wanted to hear
When you called me up and confessed your fears
Did you want me to cry
Cause you were ready to try
Did you expect me to choke all over my tears?

You left this heart bleeding
barely left beating
Thrown to ground
sickened by the sound
of my mind screaming to stop

You rolled me in dirt
Playing a game
Never stopped the hurt
Ill never be the same

So you said you couldnt play
You got yourself too deep
Your only option was to run away
from something you were never meant to keep

So i ask if you're gonna be ok
I never meant to act this way
But im standing strong
in anothers heart
I havent been better
since we have been apart

Now I close my eyes
No longer seeing you
Living in a dream
I just couldnt live with you

Ouch!

2007-04-26T12:49:00.000-04:00

I remember when I loved you secretly
How i lusted out of control
I remember when i held you Secretly
Turning the trust of a lover
to trust of a fewl

I remember when I held your hand so close
How I fell into your arms
I remember The way you looked into my eyes
and how i thought there was no harm

I remember the night we made a pact
To live and love alone
To hold eachother when we fell
But forget one another when we went home

I remember the years you kept me warm
The secrets we shared and made
I remember the sweetness of your lips by night
how it turned to bitter jealousy during the day

I remember the way it had to end
The way you threw me to the floor
Hand crashed upon me
Anger of a thousand wars
When i told you i could not do this ANy more

I remember the fear that you would return
How I closed my eyes tried to forget
The place you once layed
The hearts we betrayed
I remember the ways you became

My biggest Mistake. My Greatest regret.

Sufferance.

2007-04-23T13:38:00.000-04:00

Can i be your reoccuring dream?
Can I be your dying wish?
Can i steal your eyes for just a moment
and free your mind from all of this?

Can I be your pleasant night?
Can I be your rainy day?
Can I hold you close for just this one time
and push you down in the light of day?

Can I be the blackness in your heart?
Can i hold a candle to your fire?
Can i say i love you and will never leave
then walk away and never look back
Can I be your little liar?

Can I be your crescent moon
That lights your midnight sky?
Then dissappear..
Be no where near..
Leave you in the darkness to cry?

Can I be the passion you long to know
Pull you close then let you go

Can I be the Air you long to breath
Watch you suffocate without me

Can I be the thirst you cannot bare
Suffering dillusions without me there

Love so tender heart so true
Your greatest mistake was allowing me
To fall in love with You.

Follow.

2007-04-23T13:01:00.000-04:00

Can you feel it?
That heart beat in the night?
The one that calls out to you
Wraps itself around your soul
Pulls you to your knees and gives you life

Do you Hear it?
That whisper in the wind?
Like angels sighing
Demons crying
Takes you down and breaths you in

Do you dream it?
The one you cannot see
But feel her touch upon your skin
Drives you to burn like hell from within
Waking to a passion of feverish pleas

To see her again
Steal fantasy from your eyes
She watches as you falter
Adorning a clever disguise

To hold her again
Not knowing where to go
A whisper
a dream
a heartbeat to follow.

Grimidity.

2007-04-22T21:55:00.000-04:00

I hear the wind blowing through the window
and i reach to pull you closer
The darkness has fallen, turning us to shadows
Your eyes are closed and I watch you breath
Everytime you move, you make sure im in your arms
No room left for confusion, between you and me

You take my hand within your own
Making a place for me in your embrace
Words left unspoken, Not left Unshown
Sending a chill to my skin where your fingers trace

Lying there counting the hours i am still here with you
countless whispers linger through my mind
Catching myself from speaking into your ear
Merely dreaming outside of sleep
Here with you..
where i want to be

Tonight.

2007-04-17T11:36:00.000-04:00

I fall into your distant eyes
Find a way to compromise
The sunlight falls
Our moon will rise

I steal the silence to set you free
release the ache inside of me
forgotten all the sorrow
To let become, what will be

One breath left to say goodbye
One heart beat given from your final hello
One door closed with me inside
One door opened, to watch you go

Tragedy or fate,
Destiny or desire?
What a Fight you gave
To distinguish my fire

This Night will take whats left of me
Wake in the morning left so hollow
Passing the question
of want or need
what will be left for me
In my Tomorrow?

Fighting the illness,
so you'll not know
Each day may be our last
Everytime you go

Every kiss may be forgotten
If left within your mind
But fear not love, I will hold it tight
Let the memory live within mine

Im so afraid
I will have to go
before we finish
what we may never know

This love may be the chapter
I never get to write
Be it on paper, or in your soul
We will end this chapter, tonight.

Reasons left unknown
I've lost it all, yet grown

I am Fading into a vision
soon you will no longer see
I am Vanishing into the distance
Created by you...
from me

Be back soon.

2007-04-12T15:11:00.000-04:00

Im no where near a place to give
Im lost without my passion to live
Im falling fast alone and lost
Reaching for sanity at any cost

I take this sip of your bitter wine
I lose myself in between the lines
I throw away the reasons to cry
To gather the pieces from your eyes

Shattered dreams with jagged pieces
Hearts confessed what time releases
Tracing your body in the dark
Trying to find my way back to my heart

I no longer count the days gone by
I no longer breathe when i want to cry
All is numb, Im trying to feel
I have forgotten how to speak
as you lie there still

Your eyes they follow my every desire
Watching as I set myself on fire

My souls gone vacant
Left a sign
Be back soon
to make you mine.

Defeated.

2007-04-07T11:30:00.000-04:00

It could have been you but it wasn’t

And now I’ve been led astray

That call in the night

Saying everything is alright

Just let go of it all, its ok

It could have been IT but it wasn’t

Cause you never believed it was true

Now your dreams crashing down

With no one around

And I'm standing outside, without you

This could have been something, but it wasn’t

No longer does your heart quiver inside

So you run far from me

Where angels cannot see

Left fallen, screaming your name to the skies

Bleeding My heart shall arise

This should not come as surprise

Wounded I shall be

But you have taken nothing of me

For Long ago I lost my path and followed my heart

Not my eyes

Even angels can be the fooled

Fall to earth to feel what is whole

Watching you from above

Struggle outside of real love

Facing God’s wrath to give her a soul

“Make me human and Give up this life

Just to fall into humanity

Face a vengeful knife

To walk through shadows on my own

taste the wonders, I’ve never known”

With my wings left up there

I will falter to prayer

As I hang my Halo high

And said my last goodbyes

I pointed to You and said “There”

Those are the arms I will fall to

This is the man I have seen

I no longer sleep in the night

So I am surrendering my flight

To look into the eyes..I found in dream

So here I lie bound and broken

My heart bound by vows I have spoken

To my God that I pray

Will forgive me one day

For your human soul I have chosen

Hell over heaven to see

If your heart could be mended by me

But my words fall on deafened ears

My challenges ignored by simple fears

Eyes wide shut, I bartered and pleaded

Not strong enough to wage a war

On a soul..

Who has already been defeated

He Surrendered long ago

To what, I shall never know

Just lingering now

Making it through somehow

There is nothing left for me

I should go home..

No one is Home.

2007-03-29T12:16:00.000-04:00

I can stand or I can fall
I can laugh or I can cry
I can keep my head to the ground
or I can raise it to the sky

I can dance or sit it out
I can walk or run instead
I can hope or I can doubt
The memories and dreams within my head

I can hesitate
or Make my way
I can forget the things
I never heard you say

I can bleed
or I can heal
I can forget the ways
You made me feel

I can hate
but I'd love you still
A thousand scholars couldn't convince me
Our love was not real

I can triumph or I can fear
I can burn this to the ground
but I cant live without you here
I can't rest until you're found

I can question
what went wrong
Or throw my hands up
and just move on

I can see truth
or I can pretend
but I can't accept
this is where our journey ends

I can be anything
I ever dreamt I could be
But I don't want to be anything
If what you want, is not in Me

No god will hear me pray
No star will grant my wish
No genie in a bottle will save the day
And I just cant let go of this

I can show the world
but i can't make you see
Your the star I followed each night
That heart is the place I strived to be
In your arms, In your life
As your best friend
As your wife

Now I am wandering in the night
left so fucking aimlessly
Now you are the only star
I can no longer see
Now there is just no where
I will ever care to be
Without your heart I once called home
Lying here right next to me

Let it begin.

2007-03-28T05:28:00.000-04:00

Dont you think for one minute
That her smile is alive
Dont you think for one minute
She is not left dying inside

Dont think I am left healing
When the wounds, they still bleed
Dont think I am still feeling
With this emptiness left in me

I miss the person i became
When I was becomming with you
That was the best of me
but now im the worse of the two

Feelings locked and thrown away
Saying whatever I want to say

Now Im empty
and getting by
Poisoning my body to death
to forget that look in your eye

The world as they see it.. im already gone
So they give up at the moment
I speak out what's wrong

Visions of places I used to be
Writhing like demons inside of me

BUrning sensations
of where your hands once pressed
Left foolish temptations
to remove this knife from my chest

But she's already lost
She's too far gone
To bother with untangling
A love gone so wrong

Dont you think for one moment
There is another place I'd rather be
If this world is still turning
You can be sure Im still lying
on the ground waisting..
Right where you left me

312 hours, thirteen days
born on the 13th
i remember when i wasnt the only one
Counting the ways

Seemingly so simple
the ways we fell together
Convinced love was enough
to pull us through the trials we weathered

BUt now as you say
Sometimes its just not
enough to pull us through
So lets just let it Rot!

Throw it away
Pray for the day
that i forget the reasons
I feel this way.

Walking through the dark
Wearing shadows on my skin
To hide from all the marks
and let the healing begin

My memory

2007-03-26T23:05:00.000-04:00

After all this time I bought for you
You still stand there without a clue

You think you’re a man now
Somehow you think you understand
How to close your eyes and forget it all
That you are the designer of this plan

Watch me cry and walk away
Through with begging
Nothing left to pray

Watch me fall and break my heart
Through with wondering
And pulling you apart

Have your way
Its what you need
Ill have mine
There are no pleads
Strong enough to see you through
Strong enough to get to you

No tears are worth it in your eyes
Nothing sounds worse than when I cry

It would not exist if you would only give
The love you claim
Ready to live
How can I explain?

Leading the blind
With a gentle hand
When you fall ill reach out
And grab you by the hand

No more tears, I wait for the day
Either you hold on tight
Or let me get away

I give this chance to need no more
I give this heart
To show you what yours is for

I love in ways you’ve never seen
I need in ways you see obscene

Perhaps for once you’ve come across
A person who has learned
From what she has lost

Perhaps there is more
You do not know
If you look deep enough
My eyes will show

Perhaps there is a place
Inside you for me
If only it Exists
As My memory

Requited?

2007-03-26T21:19:00.000-04:00

If I loved you would you care?
If I reached for you
Would you be there?
Would you hold my body close to you
And run your fingers through my hair?

If I needed you would it scare you?
If I ran to you, would you hide?
If I stood in the rain and screamed your name
Would you let me come inside?

If I sang you a song would you listen?
Would you hear all the words you’ve been missing?
Would your eyes shine bright?
If the time were right
Will it be my lips tonight that you’ll be kissing?

If I gaze into this endless sky
Could I Choose a star to get me by
A nightly sanctity where I'm not alone
Beside the moon
Till you come home.

2007-03-23T12:50:00.000-04:00

Ever since.. The day i was born
I was lead a way.. un natural
Ever since That day in the rain
Ive forgotten the ways
To let go of the pain

This is the way
Life has to be
This is the story
Of giving everything
and losing me

Sometimes i wonder
Sometimes Im free
Sometimes i think about all the times
You had other places you would rather be

Ive been biding my time
Been so patiently kind
Ive been biting my tongue
from all the wrong that has been done

Im letting go of the thoughts
The what to do and what nots
Following my heart, its about time
I seize this world
And take whats mine

Put on the shroud
to mourn this death
To Love again
with all thats left

Darkened corners of my mind
Lost to preserve the moments in time
The days we yearned for anothers touch
To forget you were too little
and I
was too much!

...going home.

2007-03-23T01:21:00.000-04:00

Cant you see.. these are my dreams?
I clutch them and never let go
You can walk away
but they will stay.

Cant you see Im letting go
Walking away with some things i never knew
Reclaiming the love you could not show
Im standing outside your walls again
Without you

My hands pulled safely to my head
My mind gone wicked,My heart still beating
After all that it has bled
Whats gone is left.. worth repeating

I've closed my eyes
Ill sleep this night
Im giving back your world
That is what your needing, right?

Learning to love,
Losing to learn
What tears me apart
What makes my soul burn

Im embracing your memory
through mounds of shattered glass
Im lying in my love letters
That you somehow looked right past

I'll run and run until I fall
I'll get back up and run some more
Cause without you i must go on
Learn to breath when my heart is sore

Learn to stand
without your hand
Learn to crawl
instead of fall
Learn to Fly
with broken wings
Learn to live
Without some things

Im walking with my head held down
But ill find a way to look up from the ground
Perhaps in a smile from the comfort of a friend
Ill find my way
no matter what..
Ill make my way

back home again.

Sentence Completion

2007-03-21T17:42:00.000-04:00

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss was..
Sunday morning.. when i ran back and kissed him goodbye

2. I am listening to...
the saddest shit ever.. ys im pathetic

3. I don't talk...
to perverts... period. Its annoying

4. I love...
Writing and music... and I love.. Love

5. My best friends...
are truly amazing in the aspect they care so much about me. my pain becomes theirs

6. My first real kiss...
was forced on me.. but i wanted it

7. My first true love...
just came back in contact with me recently believe it or not. =)

8. I hate it when people ask...
How are you? Do you really care?

9. Love is..
the most amazing feeling in the world yet also the most gut wrenching agony when you can't be with the one you love.

10. Marriage is...
A sanctity.. a safe haven for lovers to dismiss their fears.. something no one understands or values but me and a few of you out there.

11. I am...
coping.. miserably

12. This weekend I will...
Go out.. whether it kills me or not.

13. I hurt...
when i think..

14. The last time I cried was because...
this morning.. listening to total eclipse of the heart

15. My cell phone...
should be ringing any time soon.. with a voice saying.. how are you holding up.

16. When I woke up in the morning...
i realized... this is real... again

17. Before I go to bed...
i do everything in my power to not think of greg... including chat till i fall asleep at my keyboard..

18. Right now I am thinking about...
calling greg, but i wont.

19. Babies are...
a gift from god

20. I get on myspace...
to entertain myself and friends

21. Today I...
will find a way to make it through one more day

22. Tonight I...
will do the same

23. Tomorrow will be...
another trial

24. I really want to...
hold him.. and feel his love again

7 nights

2007-03-21T11:51:00.000-04:00

What am i supposed to say
That im glad you left and went away
What am i supposed to do
Not hear a song and think of you?
How am I supposed to deal with this
When it burns to think of the things i miss?

How am I supposed to believe
That your even left thinking of me
When i beg you to stay
to seize this day
You turn your back and leave

When i look in the mirror
Im left with doubt
That a smile will return
Now that im living without

I wish i were that reason
to make you change your mind
To take your fear of change
To lead you when your blind

I wish I were that chance
You couldnt risk to lose
The reason to be a better person
Me standing next to you

I know I wont wake up
The moon has passed again
7 nights of praying for a sign
This is really not the end.

So i hold you in my heart
My mind is lost with you
Ill look to the sky for the clouds to part
And dream of the day, I walk next to you.

How can i stop loving him...
please tell me how.

When he has been gone 7 hours and 16 days...

2007-03-21T10:50:00.000-04:00

Yes I said 16 days because for the longest time i thought thats what she said...

I have been wrong before.. like now.. Oh well!

Nothing compares to you

by Sinead O'Connor

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since u took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since u took your love away
Since u been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
'Cos nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 U

It's been so lonely without u here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better try to have fun no matter what u do
but he's a fool
'Cos nothing compares 2 U

All the flowers that u planted mama
In the back yard
All died when u went away
I know that living with u baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cos nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 U

When he is gone 10 days...

2007-03-21T10:47:00.000-04:00

I Miss You Lyrics

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

2007-03-21T10:45:00.001-04:00

Lyrics to Taylor Swift Come In With The Rain

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there anymore and I
know all the steps up to your door
But I don't want to go there anymore
Talk to the wind, talk to the sky
Talk to the man with the reasons why
And let me know what you find

I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
to call your name
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could stand up and sing you a song
But I don't want to have to go that far and I
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear


I've watched you so long
screamed your name
I don't know what else
I can say

But I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
for all these games
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there
anymore..

2007-03-18T20:55:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here waiting for any word
a smile, a confession
a reason to hope perhaps
But nothing is coming through
Only emptiness telling me
to get over you

im inpatiently waiting in a patient lie
Holding back every ounce of wanting to reach out
and beg you to hold me

They say...

2007-03-18T13:18:00.000-04:00

They say take it in..
this is the way
To be strong and hold in
The things I want to say

They say, You'll get through
take a Look at yourself
There is more for you
Put him on a shelf

They say Im amazing
If he loves you, you will know
Only thing i hear is my heart
telling me "Don't let go."

They say there are more fish
But this love is for a man
A heart so bound in confusion
Fighting to understand

They say leave him be
He will come around
If this is right
His heart will fight
and what could be lost will be found

They say your crying has no worth
It changes nothing
but it still hurts

They say Cry out release the pain
If you hold it in
You'll go insane

They say that God will lead your heart
to hold onto your faith
It has gotten you this far

They say reach out to all but him
Dont let him see you cry
So I smile and pretend just as they wish
While I sit here wondering, Why?

So many voices, telling me what to do
but the only choice has already been made
Loving him.. is what I choose.

I used to be his girl.

2007-03-17T12:56:00.000-04:00

He used to call me his girl
He used to look me in the eye
He used to be my world
He used to hold me when id cry

I used to kiss his face
and hold him while he'd sleep
I used to rub his back
To assure him he was safe with me

He used to smack my ass
and catch me off my guard
He used to make me laugh
When he acted like a tard

I used to fight so hard
to have him hold my hand
I thought i had the cards
To play a winning hand

He used to be the one
Who could take it all away
The reason I looked forward to
Finding each new day

I used to be that smile
He didnt know he had
When nothing seemed to be goin right
He was sure of one thing he had

He used be that fire
burning in my soul
To push me to my limits
and make me hit my goals

I used to have a battle
i thought was worth the world
Now im left with scars and stories
of when i Used to be his girl

My song to him...

2007-03-17T02:33:00.000-04:00

I know it's not my place
To tell you what your're doing wrong
Sometimes I think about your face
And there's times I dont think of you at all

Yeah

Tell me you need me and I will stay
You believe me and I will wait
That you come back for me every time I fall
In your heart there's just no place
There's no room to make a mistake
And with one wrong turn
You will never make it home

I know you would never say
What I did to make you feel so small
I've spent the whole year on my face
Now with a little help I will stand up on my own (my own)

Tell me you need me and I will stay
You believe me and I will wait
That you'd come back for me evertime I fall
In youre heart theres just no place
There's no room to make a mistake
And with one wrong turn
You will never make it home

Yeah yeah

If you want me
Then you got me
Just never leave me alone

So tell me you need me and I will stay
You believe me and I will wait
That you'd come back for me every time I fall

Yeah yeah

Tell me your heart will never change
And you'll always feel the same
That you'll stand beside me if you think I'm wrong
I was wrong

If you want me
Then you got me
Just never leave me alone

2007-03-17T02:29:00.000-04:00

Otis Redding - I've Been Loving You Too Long Lyrics

I've been loving you too long to stop now

There were time and you want to be free
My love is growing stronger, as you become a habit to me
Oh I've been loving you a little too long
I dont wanna stop now, oh
With you my life,
Has been so wonderful
I can't stop now

Don't make me stop now
No baby
I'm down on my knees Please, don't make me stop now
I love you, I love you,
I love you with all of my heart
And I can't stop now
Don't make me stop now
Please, please don't make me stop now
Good god almighty I love you
I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you
I love you in so many different ways...
I love you in so many different ways....

Almost numb.

2007-03-16T21:16:00.000-04:00

I'm alone in these lonely shadows
Drinking the pain away
I miss him but it does not matter
I have said all I could say

The whispers aren’t so pleasant
I hear them in the night
So many words of comfort
Wanting to hold me tonight

But I push and shove till I'm alright
Being alone not foolish instead
How can they hold me
If only he is in my head?

From where I’m standing
I can’t see him
From where I’m hiding
The lights have gone dim

Maybe tonight will be my last
No more suffering
If you walk away from your past

One more drink to make things still
One last time Ill take my pill

It takes some time but that’s all I have
To think about the love I had

Stay away I'm going down
And I don’t care
Who is around

Ill not cry out, my tears are dry
I’ve only got this one
Reason left to cry

My heart will rest
One day soon
Ill ink the star that holds the moon

Love as sun, heart as star
Moon as self
My precious scar

Watch it bleed
The needle give
To paint the portrait
Of why I live

Shining star of my existence
Lost to hold his hearts resistance

Dance in fire
Play with matches
Run like a child
When your heart unlatches

Forgiveness lies
Within my heart
Even when we
Are left apart

They think I can run and new love be found
But I’m left wondering
Why you’re not around

They think I can see
Another's gazing eyes
But I’m still wondering
What if he just tried?

So ill empty this glass
And do it again
Till the pain is numb
And I can pretend
This smile is real
And I’m not dying
My heart is mine
Ok.. I’m lying

Ill talk to the walls
And watch the mirrors
Fight the sleep
In which I fear

The ache the burn
It’s all so real
I can’t ignore
The love I feel

No wrong too great
No right too small
I take them in
And accept them all

A love forever
A word I give
I love you now and will
As long as I may live

I love you greg.. forevers.

How?

2007-03-15T20:02:00.000-04:00

How do you suck it up and tell your child nothing is wrong when you are lying on the ground crying harder that they themselves have ever cried?
How do you smile when they try everything in their power to make it better.. when your heart is so torn?
How do you convince yourself this is all a bad dream, when you wake up shaking in the night.. scared.. that the one you have known, trusted, and loved.. will never hold you again?
How do you wipe away the tears when your eyes hurt so bad?
How do you answer the phone when you know its another person asking how you are holding up.. and you know it is not him?
How do you convince your heart it is wrong to love him.. when it felt so right?
How do you look at your son and not think about how he used to cuddle up with him on the couch?
How do you feel the warm air on your skin from the summer coming.. and not think about how it felt the day you met him?
How do you go to the store.. and not look at those special little things you used to buy for him?
How do you just walk away without hurting?
How do you face.. every person you have faced through tear filled eyes?
How do you laugh.. while holding back such pain?
Who do you turn to when the One person you believed would always be there for you is Gone?
How can you write.. when everything on your mind is why?
How can you believe again, when the one thing you have come to believe.. was a lie?
How can you trust, when the one person you trusted the most can look you in the eyes and lie to you... Correction.. I am the person I trusted the most.. And i trusted my instinct that he was lying. As much as I did not want to believe it.. Because Love Trusts.. and i loved him so very much.. I felt it. In my heart I felt I was being done wrong. My heart did not lie.

Too lost to even find my own words...

2007-03-15T11:26:00.000-04:00

so i will post some lyrics...

What I wouldn't Give- Holly Brook

Feeling like I can't forgive, but I want to
it's like I don't know how to live, I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come, without hesitations, no
now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions

as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone

what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head and they're bleeding deadly reactions

and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding I’m hiding myself

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

Am I desperately losing this fight
when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live

*********************************************

Phil Collins - I Wish It Would Rain Down Lyrics

You know I never meant to see you again
and I only passed by as a friend
All this time I stayed out of sight
I started wondering why

Now I, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Yes I wish it would rain down, down on me

You said you didn't need me in your life
I guess you were right
Well I never meant to cause you no pain
But it looks like I did it again

Now I, Now I know I wish it would rain down, down on me
Yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Yes I wish it would rain down, down on me
Yes I wish it would Rain.. On.. Meeee!!!

Though your hurt is gone, mines hanging on, inside
And I know it's eating me through every night and day
I'm just waiting on your sign

'Cos I know, I know I never meant to cause you no pain
And I realize I let you down
But I know in my heart of heart of hearts
I know I'm never gonna hold you again

Now I, Now I know I wish it would rain down,

down on me

Oh you know I wish it would rain, rain down on me now
Yes I wish it would rain down,

down on me

Yes You know I wish it would Rain Down
Rain Down .. On.. Meeee!!!

Just Rain Down on meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

2007-03-14T18:33:00.000-04:00

I have lost this battle
There is no where left to turn
I was backed into a corner
Guarded by my love for him
Not wanting to see the truth
That had become so apparent to me
Finally I was able to fight for myself
To find the truth
And use it to find my heart again

I have given my heart to the wrong person once more
He handed it back and said..
I cant give you what you need.
I threw it down and said
To the death I will bleed

Fuck... i cant do this.

Carpe Omnis. (Seize it All)

2007-03-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

My horoscope today..

Your March Forecast: Venus, as it edges into your sign mid-March, implies a steady build up of intense emotion. Emotion is the fuel that powers your engine. It keeps you going. Of course you prefer a happy emotion to a sad emotion, but you prefer a sad emotion to no emotion at all. Your biggest dread is that one day you will feel nothing. You always want to feel something. You need have no fear on that count - but, on the grounds that a positive emotion is preferable, here's how to be sure you enjoy your month. Stop worrying about where you ought to be or who you ought to be there with or what you ought to be doing. Trust more. All will be fine.

The thinking is worse than the doing. Always. Without exception. There are indeed, some who argue that doing is never difficult. All pain, all stress and all discomfort stems from thinking. Well, that's the theory. Like all good philosophies, it falls apart if you take the stick of scepticism, sharpen it with scrutiny and then prod about determinedly. But today, it should at least hold up long enough to support you in your endeavour to fulfil a crucial commitment. Stop contemplating. Start doing what you have to.

Basically says I am a procrastinator that thinks too much about the things i should be doing as opposed to doing them. I think too much about how I want to feel, and how to get there, as opposed to feeling it and getting myself there. Question is.. Can I get there Alone? Can I DO these things Alone? In my co-dependancy for happiness, Have I been wrong? Is accepting who I am wrong? I mean people try to *better* themselves all the time. Am I good enough The way I am? Or do I have some *bettering* to do myself?
Have I merely come to accept the hand I have been dealt? Or should I demand A fresh Deal? Should I accuse the dealer of cheating? Of setting me up for his own amusement?
Thing is, life isnt so bad, not bad at all. But then, there are a few things missing, I just assume they will come in time. When the time is right. That I will be blind sided by some great change.
I have convinced myself there are certain things I cannot do right now. But I will not leave this world before I do in fact finish them. I will Not sit on my death bed wondering what if? I would like to lie there and merely whisper *thank God*
They say 8 out of 10 people are not happy. Alright I made that number up.. But in my experience this is what I have truly come to believe. Are humans really built for happiness? Am I?
What makes me so special, that I deserve to be one of the chosen few who have learned to grasp happiness by the reins and hold on for dear life.. enjoying the ride.. never letting it go!
So in love, they say let them go, if they are yours they will come back to you. But why is it they do not say this about happiness? When you are happy, let it go, and if it comes back it is yours forever??? This does not make sense to me. I am starting to think, ok I have thought for a very long time.. When you are in love.. take it as you would happiness.. Grab it by the reins and enjoy the ride.. (for as long as it lasts) and dont let go! (as long as it makes you happy)
There is no point in missing out on the most valuable thing in life. Another person's heart.
If it is given to you.. take it. Hold it. Cherish it. Do not risk losing it. Do not waste one moment. It is a gift. Not a curse. You need to look at it as such.
When someone loves you, it is because they think you are the most wonderful person alive... and in their eyes, You are.
When someone loves you, it means they will do anything in their power to give you happiness. The happiness in this world we so eagerly crave. Guess it just comes down to, Do you really want it? Some people become so self absorbed in misery, in failure, in self doubt.. That they are given such a precious gift and they have no clue what to do with it. In fact, They are afraid of it. Afraid they will screw it up somehow, Afraid they will be dissappointed, Afraid they will Need it, Afraid.. They will lose it! So Afraid, they run from it.
If you do not know how to love yourself, then you do not know how to love someone else. If you cannot look in the mirror and smile at yourself, then you cannot look into the eyes of another and smile at them. If you cannot have faith in yourself, the person you know better than anyone in this world, then you cannot have Faith in someone else. If you do not trust yourself to do the right thing, then you do not know trust.
Find it. Find it ALL. Find it in yourself.. What do you have to LOSE????
This is Your life, Your One chance. Make the best of it with the Cards you have been dealt. Lay them down and be proud. Walk away with a loss of one simple bet and Smile.. that You realize life is not a game. That nothing is permanent. Everything can change. Even you!

Uninvited.

2007-03-06T10:58:00.000-05:00

Is it too much for you to know
That I am lost without you
Is it too much for you to feel
You might be a little lost too?

Are my eyes too bright
to risk that gaze
Is my ego to fragile
to invite your praise

Does my essence still trickle
within your heart?
Does my touch still linger
when we are apart?

If i believe
I belong to you
Would you risk anything
To keep it true

If I believe
your love is mine
That you have given your heart
This Just One time.

If I believe
this is the way
you have come to show
what you cannot say

Will my mind just stop and let me live
Will my soul allow my heart to give

Will my passion go unwanted
When my pleas have gone unheard
Will my lingering carresses in the night
reach your heart without a word

Will my wings be torn for just this chance
To find you lost within my glance
Will my heart go twisted, wrists be bound
To fall here, only to see you no where around

Will my risk go punished
So defiant and unsighted
To fall here to love you
And be left, Uninvited.

If you need me.

2007-03-01T11:54:00.000-05:00

Oh how your shadows disolve into my soul
I will tear myself apart,
Just to make you whole

Call for me tonight
I am there, before you even speak
Reach for me tonight
My voice will remove what makes you weak

As soon as i can get to you,
There is where I will be
You need not ever ask
Where I would rather be

I would run
twice as far
Just To bring comfort
to where you are

I would steal anything
just to sell..
to pay your ransom
indebted to hell

I would blow out the stars
if they shine too bright
If only it helps you
sleep this night

I would cast away
All hearts to be known
Just to show my pledge
That your heart is my own

I would capture a thousand
beems of light
to place by your side
when i am not in sight

If need be had, I am here for you
but please don't forget
I need you too.

Pride.

2007-02-28T12:24:00.000-05:00

Alright I can do this

Release without worry
Just open up and let it go

Guided by the hand
led to a cliff to choose
A choice I have no clue why i need to make
But has been made obvious

I have to find myself
I thought I had before
But the minute my heart seems lonely
My self walks out the door

I try to see things clearly
I try to fill my time
But nothing seems to replace
the thought of him in my mind

I know i have to push them
Far away inside
to laugh in anothers company
with thoughts of him I hide

To smile and pretend
it is not in my head
that id rather be doing
anything with him instead

To laugh and take it
all with stride
quick to wipe my makeup
from the trail of where i cried

Here I walk further from you
letting you come after me
when your ready to

Here I draw a line
and I will stay on my side
Allowing you to make your choice
To capture your heart
or cling to your pride.

i dunno. I dunno.

2007-02-28T00:25:00.000-05:00

I am running from the sunlight
Waiting for you to hear me
I am falling from the silence
Dont you want to speak to me?
I am sensing something different
Im not sure I want to see

I will die this day should you steal my breath
I will fall and clutch the lonliness

There is no chance in finding you
if you hide from me
While im searching for you.

Set me on fire let me burn
Ashes blown as wind flows by
My heart remains as seasons turn
Only finding desperate sighs

Final stand
Gun in hand
So this is not
What you had planned.

Put me out
this fiery soul
Cast my fears into the wind
If i am no longer whole

Answer me quickly
Am i the one
To hand you a reason to rest
when your day is done

Now take your time
to look through your day
would my not being there
be a better way?

Tell me does it matter much
What signs are brought to you
If you do not want to see them
There is not much left, I can do

Would you tie the bridges
secure and true
to pave a path
from me to you?

Would you steal the waters
from the lonliest sea
To build yourself a river
From you to me?

I do not know what i am doing
Tell me do you know
that late at night I forget to sleep
Still Hoping you will show

But here I am
and your not here
I am learning to live
within my tears

I place my head
in thoughts of you
Just one more pill
to get me through..

Goodnight my love
where ever you rest
I lie alone in the thoughts
My heart has professed

Sleep well my love
and to us a new day
A new chance to fall asleep
with the lonliness washed away

Maybe tomorrow.

Prisoner of Love.

2007-02-25T23:07:00.000-05:00

I am facing this silence with bitten tongue
I am listening to the voices
Telling me what is done is done

It does not matter where I go
This fate is outside of me

It does not matter what I say
It is going to happen anyway

It is shameful that I think I am
more than you had ever planned
Yet I cannot speak
I cannot stand

The vision comes as I had asked
With fiery eyes my heart surpassed
Left to struggle words within
The truth remains inside of him

A heart so open it slowly leaks
The comfort my desperate soul still seeks
Mind so clouded that this may be true
Words so sharp, but never get through

I kneel before you
Head bowed down
But I should be standing
Cause I wear this crown

Condemned by my love
That makes or breaks
Imprisoned to serve
And give all you will take

Chained to your emotions
All tied up in you
When you run, I run faster
To not be a burden on you
Captured in your glances
So sparingly given
Releasing the chances
Of escaping this prison

Prisoner of love, I humble to you
Knowing if these chains were broken
I could not leave
Even if you wanted me to.

Numb?

2007-02-25T20:37:00.000-05:00

I was driving home tonight with this empty feeling. A feeling like nothing was left inside of me. Was this happiness? Was this pain? If you could choose to feel nothing.. would you?
I did not know why this feeling came over me. But I know I have had it before. Then I felt this burning in my heart. Something is wrong. I feel it. I do not know what it is, but it is lingering in th shadows. It will eventually be brought to light. I mean all we have is time to wait and see right?

Tonight I called Greg. I told him about these feelings and of course he answered with his usual "I dunno" and "maybe". God I sometimes feel I know this man inside out. But to be honest, I am afraid of him. My heart was telling me to have a heart to heart with him. To sit down and tell him how much he means to you. To take this moment and make it into your own. CReate.. Not Wait. I walked away from his house tonight, too afraid to do that. Instead I did do it on the phone. But it just isnt the same. I let myself down. I let my heart down. Why am I so weak?

I ask myself now, Why? Why am I afraid of him? To be honest. I am simply afraid I am too much for him. I am afraid my emotions are unwanted, my speaking from my heart makes him uncomfortable. He has never shunned me for it. He has always told me to be me, and let him be him. So why am I so afraid? Ohhh I know. Because I do not want to lose him. See most of us would die for someone to stop in their tracks and turn to you and say, "You know, you are so precious to me, I love who you are, and I am so glad you are in my life." But Greg, I dont know, he is different. He doesn't want someone to be attached to him. Someone to need him. Because he does not want to Do that in return. He wants to be a loner, a desperado. And yet I, have penetrated his life. I walked in and stole a little piece of his heart. He is not fighting for it back, but sometimes I feel he fights letting his whole heart become mine.

I fight to be all of what he wants, and as little as possible of what he does not want. Yet, He, does not dance around me as I dance for him. If he is crabby, he will be crabby. If he does not want to be touched, he will not allow himself to be touched. If he wants to hear my voice, he will call me. He said, "Just because I am not calling you, does not mean I am not thinking about you." I get that, and since the day he has said that I hold it in my heart, just as I have every thing he has ever said to me. He has no shame. He appears to have no weakness. He does what he wants, when he wants to do it.. and that is how he is.

So where am I left in all of this. Realizing I "reserve the rights" to speak. I am left asking myself "Why?" That if I hold in what I want to say.. I am not me. If I hold back from touching him when I want to.. I am not me. If I hold back from calling him when I miss him.. I am not me. I cannot love this man inside my head. I must love him in the actions my heart tells me to take.
Kiss him when my lips are lonely. Hold him when my arms feel empty. Reach for him when I want to see him reach back.

Would you rather feel numb? Or would you rather feel your heart swell? Even if you risk feeling it break some day. Would you capture moments as if they were your last? Or would you walk away never knowing what tomorrow brings? That tomorrow they could say goodbye. Tomorrow they could no longer feel what they did today. That Tomorrow, they were unable to feel at all.
At least they will be left with the memory of what it WAS to be loved. To know that this person was strong enough to face their fears of rejection and Open their heart to you. Atleast in the end, there will be no doubt. That your heart was completely theirs, whether they wanted it or not.

Promise in your heart.

2007-02-20T17:58:00.000-05:00

Paint me a picture in shades of blue
So when my heart feels lost
I can still find you

Ask me to dance while the rain pours down
So i can dance alone and remember
Where my heart was finally found

Sing to me a song that will forever play in my heart
So i can listen to it again and again
When we have to be apart

Tell me Never, Always, Forever
That nothing in this world
could keep us from being together

I am falling asleep
Writing this for you
But my mouth can't say
What my heart wants me to

Nails on heads
Tongue being bitten
Your heart feels shamed
By what mine has written

Give to me a ring on my pinky
A promise we can share
To tell me Always and forever
You will be by my side, You swear
To say each heart beat.. is a precious gift
And wherever you are..
You can feel it
From there

Fallen for you.

2007-02-20T12:48:00.000-05:00

Im staring blankly at the wall
to figure where i was before the fall
Days gone by and still my eyes follow
Where you plan to be tomorrow

Church bells ringing and your not smiling
Babies born I cry, you cringe
Lovers embrace, you turn your head
Pulling me closer you should be, Instead

I can appreciate this precious ache
Cause I know that I am still feeling
I can love you for many things
if only to leave my heart revealing

No lies but truth,
I give into you
The silence wakes me
Nothing I can do
'sept watch for the little things
and hope you see them too

I fell Here to hold your heart
There is nothing saying
we should be apart

I fell Here, to show you the way
To open your eyes
and give you a reason to pray

Friday morning I'll make that call
To take me back
into the arms I fall

No easy way back from where I came
But to live this angels dream
and make it through the pain

To stand before, not step aside
To pull you from the shadows
In which you reside
Im not going back
without you by my side

What will it take to make you cry
What are the fears you hold inside
Let me hold you, I am yours
Forever beside you
Fighting wars

What will it take to make you see
Forever is where I long to be
In your days and in your nights
Through your mistakes
Through your re-writes

What can I say that will make you hear
My name whispered within your ear
The loudest thunder from the smallest tear
Stolen away, just to have you here

I ask for you.

2007-02-20T00:29:00.000-05:00

You have stolen my sanity
I pray for a refuge with you inside of me
My heart lay still while I'm still waiting
My mind goes running through debating

The way you keep everything in its place
The way you know that look on my face

You create an uneasiness that i can't ignore
I build a world surrounded by yours

Its never easy lying here
Its just too much to face my fear

Steal me away from the sun
be that place that I lie
Why has it come down to this
Why am I missing you in my life

Im so far down
I dont know where to begin
To pick myself up
To tell you your not allowed in

I am going to run
I am going to hide
I am going to find
what i am missing inside

So push my buttons
Make it burn
and watch me cry
till you finally learn

To find your way
through my door
Will you fall again
Like you have before?

If you are left to beg
for my love in your hand
Will you lie there thoughtless
Or make that final stand?

If you are left to wonder
The worlds of why's
Will you say "If only
I did not leave her to cry?"

Can you see your distance?
Do I expect too much?
If you never see me
Will that be enough?

The whole world watching
Through rose colored glass
Will he capture this angel
Or let her pass?

The thousands waiting
To hold your place
While one heart longs
for only your embrace

Not just with your arms
but your eyes and your being
Is my heart being deceived
By what my mind is seeing?

I have said it before
I will say it again
I can't spend forever
In this game of pretend

It doesn't matter anymore
There are no words left to say
If your thrown into the wind
Will you simply fly away?

I have not caged you
You are free to fly
You are welcome to go
If your heart does not comply

Does your heart not tremble
tonight like mine
Laying your head fast asleep
Believing everything is fine

It is not supposed to end this way
I am supposed to fight
I am supposed to stay

It is not less than what I am
I ask for you
to take my hand

To hold my heart
and give to me
a reason to live
A reason..
To breathe.

Time it ended.

2007-02-18T15:42:00.000-05:00

I can see you hated it
when i left my head hanging down
I can see there was no point
in wandering around
Its been so long now
since you have been in my dreams
When I look in from the outside,
it isnt what it seems

Too many nights spent studying you
Lost in you
MIssing you.

Lost in time to be lost by you
complicated by you
Broken wings came through

You may have walked away
but im letting you go
I can walk now too
I thought you would like to know

I have found a way to make the good times right
I have found a way to forget you at night

Your so far away from what we were
Your so different from the way you were

I know that its safe to say, im good.... without you
I know this time, I wont even think.... about you

Your lips wont return and thats just fine
Your touch is forgotten.. and its about time
You can be out of my life..

Remove this knife

Throw it aside

My arms dont ache
My heart is mended
Isnt it about time
Your memory ended?

2007-02-17T06:41:00.000-05:00

jeff: so was it an intresting conversation
Thee_Goddess: yeah i had an epiphany
Thee_Goddess: about greg
jeff: oh yeah what about
Thee_Goddess: well
Thee_Goddess: ever since the day he said i love you
Thee_Goddess: and i ran back into his arms
Thee_Goddess: it seems i have been trying to change the man i have fallen in love with
Thee_Goddess: i have been trying to get him to show love
Thee_Goddess: in bigger ways
Thee_Goddess: and there is this song
Thee_Goddess: he played for me
Thee_Goddess: called red on a rose
Thee_Goddess: where one of the lines say
Thee_Goddess: And i love you cause i know that i cant do anything wrong
Thee_Goddess: meaning
Thee_Goddess: he loves that i love him for who he is
Thee_Goddess: the good and the bad
Thee_Goddess: and lately.. i have been too hard on him
jeff: well yeah that is amazing
Thee_Goddess: i fell in love with him for who he was
Thee_Goddess: not who i want him to be
jeff: that is very true
Thee_Goddess: gonna try to call and leave him a message

So i did, and im sure my messages out of no where are just well retarded.. but i did not want to let the moment of clarity pass me by.. although i am sure even though i felt it all so clear at the moment, that a 530am call will not be so clear to him lol. Oh well!

"I love you.. cause I know..
That i can't do anything wrong."

..and i do not ever want to take that reason away. Today is a new day for me. To take this life and simply make it mine. I fell in love with a man for who he is.. not who i want him to be.
That maybe it is time I stop thinking so much, and just start enjoying. Living for those little moments that I love so much.. Taking each one and cherishing it like "a child loves a penny"

He has given me the same.. through everything, he has accepted me for everything.
Helped me in ways he could.. just comforted me through times he couldnt.
He will be there when I need him, but not always just when I want him..
He loves me when I cry, loves me when I laugh..
I love laughing with him.

Alright.

2007-02-15T12:57:00.000-05:00

I took a chance and i got to feel
Your hand in mine,Your heart so real

I have to laugh every now and then
I cant just fall and let it end
I have to smile and make it through
Ill close my eyes, when im not with you

The eyes you see
You make them bright
Dont think your failing
just hold me tonight

Walking down the stairs.. I smile
Its time I get to hold you a while
Staying the night
Stealing a kiss
Letting you leave
taking everything i miss

But Ill laugh and smile
without you tonight
Cause your heart is mine

Im alright

Driving home you make me laugh
Nothing to steal my time from you
Stopping to kiss me in your tracks
I capture your gaze in shades of blue

Ill write a song, Just to make this moment last
To bring down the rain and have this dance

Ill write a song to sing to you
Ill find the words to whisper in your ear
To steal another moment for you
To make the world dissappear

Ill laugh and smile
without you tonight
Cause your still mine

Everything is alright.

I want to.

2007-02-15T11:45:00.000-05:00

How can I not count the days
That I am outside of holding you.
How can I write when i am so tied up
How many times can i ask you to help me.. help you
I want to shake you and say Listen. LOVE ME
I want to push you down and kiss you all over
without you telling me to stop
I want to reach for you, because you showed up at my door unexpectedly
I want to smile at you, because you smiled at me first
I want to roll over in bed and see your eyes wide open
Just watching me.
I want you to hold your breath, when you wait for me to call you back..
Knowing you will be alright, cause you are the one thing on my mind
That you will not be left breathless for long.
I want it to rain.. and for once not be looking out the window for you..
but merely turn around and you be holding me from behind at the window.
I want a song to play, and you to pull me to my feet to dance with you.
I want to be in the other room, and have you come search for me...
I want to kiss you and stop.. and have your lips beg for more
I want you to wake up in the morning. and wake me up too!!
I want to be cooking for you and have you tell me to hurry up..
because you miss me.
I want to be driving beside you and forget to put my hand on your leg..
and have you reach over and pull my hand to you.. and smile at me.
I want to be looked at, while your talking to me..
Not just speaking outloud, hoping i hear you.
I want you to be drunk.. in our love.
I want you to call and say.. i only have a minute, but i was thinking of you.
I want to need you, and know its ok.
I want to love you with everything I am, with every ounce of my soul
that god has blessed me with.
I want to give it all to you..
I want you to feel amazing every morning you wake up.
because you are.. That is why I want to be a part of you.
I want you to say forever.
I want you to realize that the world is small.. and right there in the center of it..
is me and you.
I want you to count the days we have left to make this life right..
and know in your heart, we have gotten one thing right so far..
I want you to shut everything out, but me.
I want you to pull me to my room and shut the door.
Just for a kiss you have been missing all day.
I want You..
to Feel blessed.. in a world so lost.
I want to be that anchor you rely on
That light you search for.
That dream you hold onto
That star you search for each night,
making sure it is still shining bright.

Nourish.

2007-02-11T13:41:00.000-05:00

I have memorized each reply
I know every look in your eye
I do not have anything left to say
Neither did you as I walked away

I remember every touch i have felt
When you placed your hand
over mine on your belt
and told me no

I remember ever word you have said
when i wanted to stay
and left instead..
You let me go

Im leaving my heart wide open
But im not stepping outside anymore
Im leaving the key under the mat
If you ever stumble apon my door

I could go on about the things i will miss
but i have spent too much time
Too much time left pondering over this

I could write a thousand words in my pain
But knowing you will never see them
my heart will never be the same

Im afraid to love you anymore
Im afraid to let go
Im afraid to stay
Im afraid to be the one
that pushes YOU away

I dont know what else i can say
Your a different person day by day
Once you hold my hand and kiss it
Once you grab it and push it away

I know its not me
Ive given all i can
If only you could see
If only your heart
would finally understand

You can live without me
You have told me yourself
But is that what you say to the one you love
Who faithfully dreams of No one else

You can stand a day apart
You care not to speak
of matters in your heart

Im too tired to call out to you again
Im too lost to feel the same
Waking to feel you there but gone
Waking to find it still feels wrong

All this time spent making you smile
All these words vanishing only while
You sit thinking of everything but me
I sit dreading setting you free

You tell me you want this
or you wouldnt even say
But how can you pick and choose
when you want to make me go away?

We agree we knew we werent the same
But when you truly love someone
There is always room for change
A chance a truth to set yourself free
Within eachother
In loving you, in loving me

You are my greatest battle love.
Each day I lose faith in what else i can say

"Its not that hard to hold my hand"
"Is it really that nessecary?"

Does the earth not need rain to thrive?
Does a child not need a hug to feel good inside?
Does a flower not need sun to breath and flourish?
Does an infant not need food
Have you ever heard of Nourish?

Feed, provide, Nurture, Sustain..
Your touch is not different from the rain
Love is not different.. its just the same

Leave it lonely
Leave it to die
and leave my heart broken
If i am only left to cry

When will you get it
This is not just me
It is simply a feeling no longer
Growing inside of me.

Playful love.

2007-02-08T13:20:00.000-05:00

I didnt mean to cross your lines
I didnt know you were not ready this time

I didnt know id have to watch you slowly fall
I did not know you never had the chance to feel
so i dance around you
reaching for your hand to show you whats real
Giggling as you stumble
Pulling you by the hand

Your body uneasy
when i ask you to dance
cause you never thought
You'd want to take this chance

When you go about your ways
Trying to make sense of these things
I pull you close and kiss your lips
and make you forget..
everything

I am not above falling for you
I have fallen into your eyes
I have fallen into something i cannot explain
You have stolen the power
Of my own hearts reign

No need for analyzing things we dont know
Just hold onto one another
Make it up as we go

No need for re-thinking that look in your eyes
Just let it happen the way it will
Im not leaving your side

Tomorrow is our playground
Today is our vow
Of the love we have found
Dont look back, im here now

How lucky to have found
this love growing wild
How could i resist
everytime i see that smile

Your eyes, how they glimmer
like the raindrops i admire
Your touch, a constant flame
that brings passion to my fire

Lets take a picture
Capture this kiss
Stealing your breath away
I know..
You never knew you'd feel like this

My hand in yours.

2007-02-04T12:50:00.000-05:00

If I dare to say goodbye tonight
would my heart still shatter
will my choice be right?

Would the patience be an angry mess?
To sit here waiting out
My Lonliness?

How could I find a way to heal?
If i am left
Loving you still?

So, I am fighting this out
Im so tired
Of going without.

Why should I stand in lonely shadows?
When there is so much light to be found
Why should I lie here in this place?
If you wont join me on the ground?

I will stay here crying, So you will never know
Understanding nothing of myself
Except I did not think this
Is the way love really goes.

You lost your pride while i was away
You layed it down to bring me back
But picked it up along the way

Come back to me the way you were
That night you thought...
"I do not want to be without her".

Bring me back That man I'd choose
That layed down his heart
With nothing left to lose.

I wonder if you even know
You're the dream i wish to stumble upon each night
I wonder why i feel
Im out of your mind when your out of my sight.

I want to wake up and see you smile
Id like to hold you still..
once in a while.

You found your heart in its breaking
The loss gone noticed
Heart left Aching
Tears held back..
Voices shaking

You said yourself
"I think your heart was always mine".
In tears I replied
"You have had it all this time".

Redeemed to battle, devising loves light to last
I pulled our memories from their drawers
Reclaiming your passion..replacing my hearts desire
Re-writing the pages found, through these open doors
Handing me the ashes of this fire
One last fight to keep..
My hand in yours

I love you.

Hahah

2007-01-29T13:05:00.000-05:00

Bounty lifted from his head
A bandage ripped from where he bled
Body lying cold and numb
To his death, His heart Succumb
To open his soul would yield her eyes
A fearless angel, no words describe
To fill his lungs with heaven's bliss
To wash away his lonliness
Deep and passionate she made her mark
A symbol upon his fiery heart
This man of words, heart gone broken
She stole his kiss, till nothing was spoken
Mourned by many, loving just one
Died to be held, by the Fallen One

Grown.

2007-01-29T11:51:00.000-05:00

Afraid of what I am becomming
I just cant understand
How I can be replaced
Pushed away by your hand
There is a darkened cloud that
shades my heart
It doesnt let me see
Who you really are
It doesnt let me believe
Who i really am
Im just doing the best that i can
So im waiting for my final day
So i can let this all go away
Ive been told
I am the one
But left in the shadows
As fast as it had begun
And i sit here
Many moons into you
Many times i thought we were through
My heart has yet to replace you
I know I have always been ready to give
I know I have been waiting for my chance to live
within your embrace
For you i have fallen
Fallen from grace
but wherever it is you take me
I want to trust you wont forsake me
Sometimes id like to hide from you
You know too much of who i am
but when you look away each time
Im afraid you will never understand
So I hold you like a child
not ready to know the truth
I just hold you and whisper
How much i am in love with you
There are things in this life
worth waiting for
Wish I could see it in black in white
the way you do i guess
you either love or you don't
But you are missing the best
here inside these eyes you see
Is a soul thats falling endlessly
Behind this chest
a heart that beats
Through cloudy days
and lifes defeats
a soul that craves life
and every breath
to never be torn from you,
not even when it meets death
You are my passion
My evening star
Your my life desire
I hold you far
Above all else
I have ever known
In losing myself with you
My SELF..
has grown

Not Alone.

2007-01-26T12:09:00.000-05:00

I was sitting here today and a song came on that reminded me it is ok.
That I am not the only one out there that feels lost without someone...
ThAT someone she loves..
Him.
That I am not the only one who would go down fighting for the love I believe in
That it is ok to wait and be patient.. completely focused on the one you love
It is ok to daydream about things that seem so surreal
It is ok to close your eyes and feel his touch
and do anything to make it real
To wait for his kiss, to never have enough
To see his face when he is not there
It is ok to desire more
It is ok to hurt, just because you care
It is ok to miss him when he wants to be alone
It is ok to silently listen for him on your phone
I am not the only one out there consumed by her heart
I am not the only one that wonders where you are
I am not alone when I see his smile
Through tears at night on a lonely mile
I am not alone when i whisper his name
Hoping he hears me and is doing he same
Im not alone when i listen to the rain
and remember lying in his bed
I am not alone when i laugh at things he has said
When they're playing in my head
Its ok to hold his shirt before i go to sleep
because i love the scent it seems to keep
I am not alone when i know he's alright
cause I know I will hold him again someday
I am not alone when I hear I love you
and it makes it all ok.

I am with you.

2007-01-25T12:02:00.000-05:00

I close my eyes and feel your fingers through my hair
I can feel your eyes linger upon my face..
I can feel the warmth of your breath
Trickling down my neck
Your lips warming my cheek
Awakening dreams inside of me
Your hand running down my side
There is no where left to hide
I feel your body over me..
Your chest pressed against mine
My hands above my head
Our fingers intertwined
My breath.. it quickens within your ear
How did you know you'd find me here?
No words to speak
No more tears to fall
You have gathered the pieces of my soul
and returned to me.. them all
Never to falter
Never to lose
This memory of us
Of me loving you
I awake in the morning
craving your touch to feel
that you lying here beside me
was just not real
I lost myself in a dream
A place I desire
Where you are here with me
and our passions never tire
How can you lay there and say you never knew
What love has been..
Aren't I laying here with you?

No word.

2007-01-24T22:06:00.000-05:00

Midnight is coming too soon
Still no word from you
My heart is weak outside your voice
I have so much but I have no choice
But to fight this time
To let you be
To walk away
and hope you follow me
I cannot be the fool
I cannot give you any more
If i can not feel your heart beating
I do not want mine to beat any more
If i cannot see you smiling
Then i shall give my smile away
If I can not feel you breathing
I shall spend my last breath to say
You know what it would be
Why does it have to be this way?
Can you no longer hear me
Have my words run so dry
That you have blocked out my whispers
Learned to hate me when I cry
To be held, to be dreamt of
To be wanted, to be so loved
By you.. only you
Im knocking on your door tonight
Telling you I need you baby
I don't want to fight
I just want you to hold me
To let me cry in your bed
Cause Loving you has captured
My every conscious breath
I do not want to sit here waiting
thinking it is true
That the reason your not calling
is cause you had other things to do
Shouldnt I be the reason
You smile in your sleep?
Shouldnt I be that purpose
Your blood has run so deep
Should my voice not be a craving
You cannot wait to hear
Should my love not be enough
to have you lying here?

My Requiem to him.

2007-01-22T17:38:00.000-05:00

If one breath.. One touch
Would be the end of me
Could you be the one
To set me free?

If this life is it
If tomorrow is not free
Would you be the one to cherish
To fall into endlessly?

If yesterday were not for sale
If only we were just born
Would you still see me this way
Will my heart go untorn?

If there is a better place for you
to lay your head to sleep
How long will you stay this time
Stealing this time from me?

If you could find me in my dreams
Save me from the dark
Would you hold your candle high for me
Would you be that shining star?

If you could hide from what you know
If you could walk away
Would you choose to not remember me?
Would you forget your heart this day?

If every breath from now you took
you took to live for two
Would you have to remind yourself to breath this time
Would the millstone overwhelm you?

Heavy on your conscience
Your heart is no longer your own
That your actions cause reactions
Would you choose to share your throne?

If you could be the final chapter
In which these eyes will read
Will it be written of tears in joy
Or blood.. my heart shall bleed?

This is who I really am..

2007-01-22T12:49:00.000-05:00

If you really know me
You will know where to find me
Let us leave these promises unspoken
Let us keep our hearts Unbroken

So I can't change the places we have gone
I can't undo what feels so wrong
It is never too late to make this right
If you take your heart and remember..
It is worth the fight.

It is beyond what everyone believes I can do..
To steal my dreams back
Face hell to make them true
I can make promises and see them through
Will I count you in..
Do you even want to?

Maybe one day you will lose your fear
Maybe that day.. I will find you here..

I can see you tonight

so amazing..
In the moonlight

You are my sweet dream..
My comfort in the night

When we close our eyes
It all goes away
Loved in the night
then forgotten by day

Can you look into my eyes my love.. or are you still afraid to see..
That this woman that once stood before you
has been humbled to her knees?
I cannot pretend i am someone else
I cant stand back and watch you
as you try to put this fire out

Would looking in your eyes..
Merely break my heart?
Lying here so close
But realizing..
We are worlds apart?

I choose to stand and cross your lines
Your heart is still yours..
While mine is no longer mine
There is no where to go
But going out of my mind
Questioning the thought
Of this love Dying

Cheers to the days we have left
Hats going off to myself..
For trying my best
I give myself to you
Free to do as you want to do

I will pretend you say what i want to hear
I will imagine when i am alone
You would cross hells path..
Just to be here

I will write your chapters with scented pages
I will keep your moments in platinum cages

Just lie there still my love
..My beautiful ache
That hangs me in the balance
Of desire or fate..

What if I screamed out loud
What if i stole away
The consciousness of being too much
What left then would you have to say?
Would i be your everything then?

I already know where my thoughts leave you
If I want to hold you
I am forced to deceive you
Breaking to love you
Dying for more
Saying only half of what is true
What am I doing this for?

Maybe it is time we both understand
this is who..
I really am.

It is ok if there is nothing to say
I will pretend I am alright
until the daylight goes away
Hold in my tears
Till the pillow cradles my head
Releasing into the day
The thoughts..
That return to me
In my bed.

For my love.. my precious insanity
I love you for everything you are..
So love me for everything I am.

Making it right.

2007-01-19T18:48:00.000-05:00

Im throwin the music aside tonight
Letting the darkness wash out the light
No where to turn than in towards my eyes
I look in the mirror with no where to hide

Is it really me?
Am i the reason why?
Angels run and demons cry..

Tie this turniquit round my heart
I cant take this anymore
I climb out the window
and try to hide
as you are walking through the door

I do not want you to see me this way
Half of you for all of me
That is not what true love should be

Baby your my world
the reason i smile at night
Couldn't you just stay a while
To let me feel its all alright?

Its not a word
Its not a choice
That I cannot breath
When I cannot hear your voice

This may be a sickness
A corruption of my heart
from remnants of my past
My world has been torn apart

It is not you
I know this now
It is only how i see
What I have lost somehow

I wait to hurt.. this just isnt fair
I do not want this feeling
It is too much to bare

I cannot control it
I am trying so hard
To put things together
I have gotten this far

Can you just hold me one more day?
Forget the stupid things I always say?

Can you just give me that place in your world?
Realize the pain you erase when you call me your girl..

I am fighting my insecurities
Trying to throw them down
but then i sit there with them
When you are nowhere
to be found

I am sorry, I wish I had never been
the one to hold everything in
Forgive me for id been broken
this life has not been fair
But i find a reason to Try again
Everytime I see you standing there..

I am taking this moment
to try and fight
the worlds of wrong
and make them right
I am taking this love
and holding on
to the hand I have waited for
To make me strong

So forgive me when I love you too much
Forgive me when I try
To say the things i need to say
To show you what makes me hurt inside

Forgive me for ways I want you
Forgive the way i hold you so long
Just try to remember Im just a girl
Trying to make right, all that has gone so wrong.

Did I say I love you today? =)

Where do I fall?

2007-01-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

Everyday
Waking to feel your presence
Turning over to feel your breath
Its gone again
Where have you been
Hiding within yourself
Within your worries
Losing myself to your silence
Consuming yourself in your Apathy
Time passes by and windows are being opened
You do not have to push me
Ill jump out on my own
My make up smeared
Does this mean im only partially deceiving the world?
I watch from your window
PLanning where id like to fall
What are the chances I will end up where i want to?
Why has it come to this?
When will you finally look my way?
What part will go numb first
slowly shutting down
Condeming myself for wanting to feel
To never lose a moment
Your time seems so plentiful
the way you throw it to the ground for another day
Would be nice to stop loving you today
knowing you will always be there in my tomorrow
But i have lived that life
I have watched that fail
I refuse to not give everything i am
every day i can
I have watched my security being torn from me
I have woken in the night lost..
No longer sure where i was going
Dont expect me to stand back and pretend
You may never go, if i dont know when
Whether in living or your death
I will have loved your every breath
Knowing you needed nothing more
Than the person i have become
Than the woman you adore
I turn from the window and look in your eyes
You love me, and i finally realize
I step down and lay by your side
Laying my head.. where your heart resides
I love you.

Could this be for you?

2007-01-14T03:32:00.000-05:00

Could this be for you..
What would it matter anyway?
Everywhere i turn
Everything i am missing
You hold the key
You hold it so tight, your hand bleeds
Battling the agreeance to sleep
Stay away from me tonight
Hide me from the light
Let my eyes turn red staring at this picture in my mind
Let my tears run dry
fighting off the world
Fighting off the supposed Good
Secret desires are cruel arent they?
I warned you
I warned them all
Stay away from me
I will be your greatest mistake
That is all i have ever become
It kills me that we won't die together
It burns inside me, knowing that my memory is soon to fade
Knowing I will always wonder why
Didnt i say You deserve much better
that it wasnt you, it was me
It wasnt a fucking line
It was your freedom
You handed me your heart
So I sit here holding it
Wondering what to do with it
Wondering if I will ever be selfless enough to give it back
To walk up and lay it in your hand
and turn to walk away
Closure is a myth
Pretending to not feel the pain
Imagining we are Alive
Doesnt it feel so good?
NO!
It doesnt!
Its like an injection of dead blood
running through my veins
Thoughts of you release this poisoning
This deafening silence
When the world stands still
I look to the sky and wonder if that is You on the wind
If you have sent your pain in a whirlwind
Blowing past me
To remind me you are still there
Existing
Making me stop in my tracks
Screaming your name in my head
Binding my hands to stop my heart
Hiding..
I am hiding
I don't think it will ever be safe
To know who i am inside
To know what i truly feel
And how i will destroy myself
to heal myself
I dont think it will ever be right
To live this way
To fake this life
to Make this life
I am so many things.. in their minds
So Many Things
I am a song that no one sings..
Because no one wants to believe this exists
No one wants to see what is not so beautiful
Sit there and look pretty
Dont speak
Dont Cry
Just sit..
Push it all outside of your mind
Distract your pretty little head
Dont listen to the whispers
Pay no heed to the laughing outside these walls
So its best you didnt get tangled up in my web
But it is too late for you
There you are..
Here.. I am
Standing here below you holding your bleeding heart
extended to you my love..
I no longer have the strength to try and save you
Only let you join me
Oh it will be
It will
No one pays attention anyway
I could light so many fires
before they even see the smoke
Burn you alive?
Never
You have suffered enough
It is my turn now
I fight alone now..
I am so tired
Thats all i can think
I hear.. You are not alone
Over and over in my head
BUT I AM
I Am Alone
Who the fuck is in my head saying that...LIES
Lies..
So one day.. you said.. What else could it be
Nothing else..
Nothing
Love through hate..Or is it merely
Hate.. through Love?
I was once told, you choose who to fall in love with
And i thought he was so right
I thought he held all the answers in his hands
I felt comfort
I thought i had just had an epiphany of the truth
But he was wrong
You dont choose love..
It chooses you.
And you can fight it tooth and nail
You can fight it until you battered and bruised
You will Never win
Never..
It consumes you
Like a plague
A euphoric plague that diminishes your sense of self
A demon that steals away your free will
Chains you to a wall of purgatory
Every breath is numb
Every heartbeat is faint
Everything tastes like NOTHING
Love is your master
And you are a slave among many
Thrown to the masses
Lost and wounded
Trying to find your way back home
I want to go home.

I miss Him.

2007-01-12T17:44:00.000-05:00

Will the moments in between be too much?
How can every goodbye be so bittersweet?
How can every hello be so craved?
Is it not enough to know he is yours,
That somewhere out there.. He loves you?
Guess i never thought of it that way
With most, time creates a numbness
A loss of excitement
but still.. only hours outside his glance
I miss him.. like a poet misses the pain
I miss him..
Without him, I no longer feel the rain
My hand is empty now
There is nothing there to reach for
Left alone with my emotions once again
I just wanted to live each day like my last
To love so deeply..
To show him what Love truly is.
I felt the end the other night
In a vision maybe
Not the end of us, but the end of All that will be
I felt my own mortality smack me in the face
I ran to him and held him in my arms
"Life is so short"
I don't want to live one moment without him
I did not think this would be me
I did not think I would feel what i do
I thought he would come, then he'd go
I did not think i would be sitting here crying
Just because he went Home.
I am at a loss for words
Afraid to say I love You
Listening to my soul speak it all night
as i lay with my arms wrapped around him
My hand pressed against his stomach
My lips pressed against his back
I listened to the wind outside my window as i held him
told him, id forgotten to stop and feel the wind
..Until today
Forgotten to listen
To the clocks ticking
to the beating of his heart
Forgotten the comfort of lying within love
walking in to a smile
leaning in.. to a kiss
I feel like i have woken from the deepest sleep
wiping away the cloudiness of my eyes
Finally feeling.. the precious meaning of life
They say, "You do not know what you had until it is gone".
Well.. Sometimes "They"..
Are Wrong.
I know.

Sleep no longer.

2007-01-05T15:24:00.000-05:00

Magic Potion
of eyes wide open
Stir my soul
Repair the BrOken
I shadow many
Follow few
I reach for strangers
to pull them through
give them fragments
of hope to renew
Faith in humanity
A reason to shine
Grasp on reality
When our fates intertwine
Missing pieces
placed in their hand
Unlit corners
No longer withstand
The Light within them
SLeeping no longer
How brilliant they shine
Rebirthing Stronger
Your light from mine
I touch your face
"This is Your time"

Hollow Love.

2007-01-04T00:54:00.000-05:00

Forget my eyes..
They no longer cry
I may fall down
But do not reach for me
I do not want your pity
I do not want your sympathy
Your Love is Not sympathetic
Your love is Conditional
Conditions written by your obsession
Cut into me with your anger
Strangle me with Your needs
This is not what Love does
This is what makes hearts bleed
I will not turn around
This is a final goodbye
Releasing all your demons
CReating distance.. Cutting ties
A muse that no longer Amuses you
Just Binds and confuses You
A goddess Hiding her disease
Behind a mask of beautiful deceit
This is Your devestation
Your obsession
Your Manifestation
Dead to the world
Leaving behind an emptiness
With residual passions
A memory of a thought
A poetic Possession
Forcing you into regression
You can no longer push what is no longer there
You cannot reach out if you no longer care
I will not stay with you here
Watch me slip away
Leaving these bruises
Watch me Laugh and Fade
Everyone loses
Your screaming out "Go Away"
But your realy asking.. "Why arent you begging me to stay?"
No more Im sorry
No more asking why
Just pull in your end of this string
Wrap it around yourself and Cry
This is my Goodbye.

Words of Blood.

2006-12-31T16:04:00.000-05:00

I have painted your memory into a beautiful ache
One that reaches out and turns the hearts of strangers
Had you never came
Had you never went
What purity would my words endure?
This story belongs to you
This is for you..
I have turned you into something to crave
I have made your eyes visible in the souls of others
I parted your wings and made you human
I take a part of you which now belongs to me
My breath seeps into my pillow
Loud and disruptive
My heart beats this unwanted blood through my veins
the blood that once meant something to you
I have created this prison
Where i keep you in these pages
Like a caged animal for all to view
Putting your weaknesses on display
They think your a god..
to bring me to my knees
To weaken what they know as strength
But you and I know
You are nothing outside my mind
We had a place.. and you burned it to the ground
We had what everyone wants
What Men have died to defend
And You surrendered it all
So I add the finishing touches to your Great Tragedy
Singe the wound and tie the last stitch
You will heal just fine
Your just another torn out page
Just another tearful memory
Not a tear for your return
But a tear of pity for myself perhaps
A shameful memory of watching myself unravel
Seeing what I had been reduced to in your absence
You were only a vapor of reality
An apparition of what my mind created
A counterpart in a fantasy fed to us as children
And taken away as we grow older
The night will come and I will lay you to rest
Placing within you a token of my gratitude
Thank you for giving me this passion to live on without you
Thank you for walking away and leaving me with my thoughts
Thank you for each night I had to endure
For ripping my heart open and allowing my blood to form words
These words..
This Blood...
Now I give it away to the world..
Not just you
Without you now.. I am never alone.
I am given to this world
Thank You.

Until Then..

2006-12-29T21:14:00.000-05:00

The moon isnt as beautiful anymore
The stars are falling but all wishing has seized
The dance we dreamt of will never come
The musics essence has rendered numb

Senses gone.. you promised to not forget
I promised to never walk away
My words have turned sour
and here i stay

How can I trust that love is blind
That no one will see into my heart
and know what is inside mine

The tides are changing
Seasons misplaced in time
and yet the world still spins
each day without fail
My lungs still breath
When nothing feels the same
and so much of you remains

Every turn the wrong way
So i stand here for awhile
Taking in all that has been
Dreaming of your smile

My last mistakes left to choose
Lingering through my mind the precious.. the few

The sadness obliterated with distractions
The thoughts muffled with a false sense of security
A pillow if you may..
To smother the life I have forseen
A Stone.. to shatter the glass you watch me through
A death row Pardon..
Granted..
and yet the reaper follows close behind.

Where will I go.. unknowing of the end
I should turn around to look death in the eyes..
meet him at his playground
But now is not the time
For now i will close my eyes
Head to the ground..

Still waiting for my senses
Hand outreached for strength...
Heart holding in the truth..
Until then..
Until then.

FalleN And CoNtent.

2006-12-29T00:57:00.000-05:00

Hold my hand in yours
Can you feel me breathing now?
Your heartbeat deafens the silence
Water falling from behind
A candles flicker dances on the ceiling
A kiss to remind you im still there
A sigh to question if you are too
I have never heard my thoughts so loud
To kiss your body and warm my lips
Lay against you leaving no room to be torn apart
This perfection may never leave this room
Your words may not say what it is you say right now
Your touch may not linger outside these walls
So i lead you here
Time after time
To remember what it is by day
That i crave into each night
Silencing the confusion in this darkness
Taking in the love that belongs to me
Wearing it upon my neck
Checking in the mirror to be sure it still adorns my chest
Inking a heart onto my wrist
Letting it seep into my veins
A heart.. to bleed inwards
for you..
Asleep again..
Fallen and content
Never to drift away.

To my dearest Lucifuge...

2006-12-29T00:51:00.000-05:00

A list of tragedies.. written in short..
A day to supress the dreams of Happiness
A moment to grasp what is real and true
Handed a glimpse of faith
A tiny letter beneath your pillow
A whisper into your eyes wide shut
"I am here...I am here!"

To my dearest Lucifuge

Reclamation.

2006-12-22T19:14:00.000-05:00

My drug.. my addiction
My precious pain
All lies in your words
Your constant return
After all it wasnt that far to fall
In my sobriety I look away and think not of the butterflies
Tear them up.. these endless love letters
Watch me throw them away
But do not let me see you
I am strong
as long as your gone

Your eyes make my heart tighten
The poison of your memory in my mind
Sight unclear
Where has my composure gone?
Nothing makes sense when you speak
But your a needle to my vein
A morphine to my craving
To dull the truth
With your darkened song
I hear myself humming it in my sleep
You keep cutting me.. cutting way too deep

Out on a limb..
Ready to fall.. to be free
Wont you reach out..
Spare my soul..
and push me..please?

I cast a part of me.. to make you follow it away
Just far enough to capture this apparition
As I close my eyes and run...
As far from you as i can be
Try to make you forget what you have seen
Pretend I never knew you
Pretend you never knew me
Wipe away the love you have envisioned
I think it is healthier this way
Better that you not hang on
Your words are over run by your actions
Ill admit where i have gone wrong

Staring at the sky.. breathing in the silence
I have forgotten how redeeming it feels to be free
I have forgotten the little things inside of me
Ill take this time to listen again
Ill take this time to be a friend
Ill give myself what has been taken away
I am reclaiming who i wanted to be yesterday

Looking in at Me.

2006-12-21T02:18:00.000-05:00

Take a tiny string
wrap it around my finger
Remind me of what is wrong
Remind me of where I have been
Where I wake up from
Where I fall asleep
Alone

Take a tiny pin and poke it in my eye
Make it all even
For everything i said that was a lie
Its just a little pin prick
Its ok
Its ok to cry

I wanted to mean more
I want you to feel the other side of me
But you are that tiny pin
Strangle me with your tiny string

You'd want to know wouldnt you
How it would feel to be outside of me

Kiss me so it burns without
Hold me so your arms never feel the same
You wanted to look into my eyes
So the thought of them would haunt you
So the thought of me
never sets you free

Im supposed to make it better
Im supposed to save you
To shelter you from this world
To warm you from the cold
To pull you in and make you feel
To show you the meaning of real

And here I am.. failing
Here I am bleeding

Tell me is she ok?
Tell me is she in there?
I need to know
Where did she go?
How did she go?

Not walking into tragedy
I see the fire surround me
im walking through
away from you
Its time I fight for me
Its time I comfort me
Lick my wounds
Tastes so sweet to hurt doesn't it
Sounds so comforting to hear my own screams

There is Nothing Not inside of me
Here in the face of my own insanity

I feel it all
I see it all
I Give it ALL!!!

Not what you need..
Not what you see..

This mirror is so cruel
No longer outside looking in
But inside looking out
The vision I must go without
The one I perceive to be
The one they believe is me
No matter what angle i look..
How i try to see
There is no one else there
No one
STanding there beside me
They are all outside..
Outside Looking in at ME!!

Dedicated to: Those of you looking in..
So I guess... everyone! Take it.. this is for you!

Dream no more.

2006-12-19T13:33:00.000-05:00

Your in my dreams and you will never know
You can't end up
Where you refuse to go
I lie here fighting the illness
One that leaves me week
Born into a world of confusion
Released free with a perfect imbalance
Sanity replaced only in sleep
When i smile it is infectious
So wont you hold me?
Be that reason I need?
I am pulled here to make others live
While i pull myself together each night
with no one to show me the way
I know now i can blame no one
Not even myself
For hiding within what i do not understand
For that which scares me
surely cannot be comforting to others
He says speak of it
I tell him I am afraid
If i can just hold in there a few more days
Everything will come together for a short time
and i can rest in the arms of love
Comfort lost with the kiss of goodbye
Misplaced happiness with the closing of the door
The silence is deafening
His absense an eclipse
Left with everything to lose
So the night falls
and i still hold his hand in mine
with my eyes pressed closed
knowing he is not really there
Dont take this away from me
Let me sleep
Let me dream
Holding the pillow he once layed his head
wrapping myself around it
lying my face against it as it were his chest
Landing safely into my dreams
never letting go
I want to show you..
I want to whisper to you gently
and move your heart
Hide the emptiness beneath your smile
Why not?
It all goes away in the end
I need you
to believe in me
Because its not better off this way
If I give my dreams to you
will you take them away from me?
If i show you where I want to go
Will you close your eyes, pretending not to see?
Waiting for the breakdown
That bond that nothing can come between
I will watch you on your way down
Hold you tightly, while things first seen
seem so foreign.. feel so new
I will guide you my love..
I am not here to mislead you
Only take this world
and give you life u did not know
one unknown to many
and held by few
My heart for yours
Tied in Two
Your soul redeemed
Resting in this place till the sand replaces time
Holding onto one another
Your hand.. In Mine.
No longer just my dream

Breath of Heaven Lyrics.

2006-12-17T21:27:00.000-05:00

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And i wonder what i've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me
now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load i bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must i walk this path alone?

Be with me now.

Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder
as you watch my face,
If a wiser
one should have had my place,

But i offer all i am
For the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Not a blink.

2006-12-17T19:27:00.000-05:00

I can make it through without you
but do i really have to
Standing here alone..
Laughing at the flames
Waiting for you to join me
It just doesnt really feel the same
I did this for you..
Not a blink at the worlds
id bring down for you
Crashing around me..
A great force to walk to you
There was just no other way
Than to turn my head
to make you stay

Take this kiss my love
Take it into your dream
I am here
Holding onto the gift you have given..
Flowing within you
The Warmth I have craved
The touch I have become addicted to
The taste of your lips on mine
Your finger running up my spine

I never imagined this was how it would become
I never knew you'd throw down your pride
and now.. here You stand before me
And i do not believe my eyes
Your heart still beating..
wildly

A flood of tears fall
to claim your heart again
Releasing every anxiety I have discovered
Here i breath again
No longer biting my lip and sigh
Fallen..
Gazing
towards the sky
You are amazing
I notice every little thing
I see every smile
I feel every breath you take in
I capture every glance
Never.. taken for granted
Never left for chance
Arms wide open i ran to you
Broke down the walls built
keeping me Without you.

The Turn Around.

2006-12-17T09:01:00.000-05:00

These are the spaces in between
Where Always has turned to never
Where heartache fades to a smile
Maybe...Vanishes into Forever

These are the dreams in between
Where screaming turns to silence
Where Nothing becomes your everything
Guilt... Returns you to Innocence.

These are the moments in between
Where there is nothing left to fight
Where running away turns to standing still
Everything.. feels so right

This is the Reality in between
The Insanity..
Of life
Where Everything calms down
and for once you can see things happening
As they happen..
Not after they pass you by...

No more reasons to look behind.
No meanings left to search for.
No more words unspoken
No more walking out the door.

No more uncomfortable silence.. when love should be whispered in the wind
I love you too.

Dedicated to my love, Greg.
Unhappiness does not have to be the only inspiration.. I love you!

This is it.. it is Happening!

2006-12-14T21:08:00.000-05:00

-ME-

Friday, 15th December 2006

TAURUS
(Apr 21 - May 21)

How long is a piece of string? Write your answer please on a piece of string and send it to the following address. Better still, don't bother. Just give the string to a chicken and ask it to carry it across the road. The world is full of things we can neither properly quantify nor fully explain. That's what makes it magical. It's also what makes it mad. Your journey from now till Christmas is due to be both beautiful and bizarre. Appreciate what's good about it and be amused by whatever makes no sense.

-Greg and Cat-

Friday, 15th December 2006

LEO
(Jul 24 - Aug 23)

They used to do a lot of slaughtering of the first born back in the olden days. A Pharaoh tried it in a vain attempt to keep Moses at bay. Herod, similarly, made a failed pre-emptive strike on Jesus. Who told them that a great soul was about to be born? An astrologer! This job carries a lot of responsibility. It is my duty to tell you now that a powerful force is about to rise up in your world. Don't waste energy trying to outwit or avoid it. Accept it. Embrace it. And allow it to bring forth a transformation.

-Erik-

Friday, 15th December 2006

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)

The Sun, this weekend, edges ever closer to a conjunction with Pluto. Remember Pluto? This time last year, Pluto was a planet. Now, well, according to the scientists, it is not as important as it used to be. So, it won't be about to ensure that you have a life-changing experience, that you understand something crucial and that you walk through a doorway into a whole new realm within the next 48 hours or so. Or, er, will it? Actually, it will. You will remember this weekend for the rest of your life.

His weakness.

2006-12-08T17:14:00.000-05:00

Are you taking me away
Come to mark your prey
Undone within your grasp
So tortured and bound
Little time has passed

The blood that falls beyond your eyes
Watching yours flow to the crypt
as you salivate for mine
An angels life blood you wish to sip

Poison wicked hearts of demons
What is it you hear
That you have not been seeing

Imititate light.. the shades have been pulled
You secretly desire..
The masses have been fooled

Smoke in the trees
You hide in the night
Fading into the darkness
Diminishing before the light

On my knees to pray
You come from behind
To feast my sweet vein
Your presence is weakened in MIne

You lust for the innocense
Like nectar of gods
Create an obsession
Yet the beauty forces your pause

Determined to possess
To turn.. to Sire
My eyes.. paralyze your senses
Only threatening your desire

You want to administer your threat
Join me at this alter
I open my eyes and the blood stained pillars
Washed white with my power

God given and Crucial is my walk
His divine plan.. becomes my life
My blood too pure for even
A gods emblazoned knife

So turn you will not
But gaze from afar
To crave this purity
like death to the pain
Set your eyes on this pale scar
watch it wash away in the rain

You have no power here.

How was I to know?

2006-12-08T07:21:00.000-05:00

Cornered into a window
Backed into a hole
MInd like a siren
Heart of a fool

Hand to me the glimpse of you
Walk with me and make it through

Miles with no end
Inside out again

Take with me the All I am
Watch me wrap around you
PLace on me a silver band
of ink that we once drew

Hand to me a glimpse of me
Help me listen
Help me breath

Moments with no end
Im upside down again

I want to come undone
Its so beautiful being the Fallen one
Let me make you bleed
Oh how you aim to please

Pull my hair.. make me scream
You want to watch
Where you want to be
Carry myself into your dirty dream

Hate me hurt me
You dont want me to love
You want me to beg you to love me
You dont want to love me
You crave your obsession
You want to master the free

So now you want me to lay
to cry with every word you say
You want me to falter
My heart to return
But i was untied
You told me i lied
How was i to know
what was left deep inside

Seconds left to cry
I wont let you die
Shouldnt you be going now
You want to see me rip from inside?
With your heart lying all twisted and broken
I will not retrieve the love I have spoken

To thrive in passion
To give you a glimpse of what can become
To set your heart on fire
To search for The one.

I have been where you are
I have hurt like you do
I have forgiven that man
That has done to me
What i have done to you

Now I understand
Full circle.. oh so clear
Wiped away the questions
Questioned what was left to fear

I did not know what was coming
Only where my heart said to go
So i followed without hesitation
How was I to know?

He did this..

2006-12-07T06:25:00.000-05:00

“Let’s Be Us Again” by Lonestar

Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I’d do anything to make it right
Let’s be us again
Sorry for the way I lost my head
I don’t know why I said the things I said
Let’s be us again

Here I stand, With everything to lose
and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you
Won’t you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let’s be us again

Look at me, I’m way past pride
Isn’t there some way that we can try
to be us again
Even if it takes awhile ill wait right here until I see that smile
That says we re us again

And here I stand with everything to lose
and all I know is I don’t ever wanna see the end
Baby please I m reaching out for you
wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again

Baby, baby what would I can’t imagine life without you
Here I stand with everything to loose
and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you wont you
open up your heart and let me come back in
Here I am I m reaching out for you
so wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again

Ohhh let’s be us again

He tripped.

2006-12-07T05:01:00.000-05:00

How do you tell someone you can no longer love them
That a tiny place in their heart has been claimed
How do you make the pain go away when your soul is shining
How do you wipe away the tears when your left smiling at the end of the day
How do you walk away from something you have broken?
How do you right what you have done wrong?
When do ou accept there is nothing you can do..
That wrong has been done and worlds must fall.. in your aftermath?
Oh god... it is full circle.. I see it more than ever now..
My first love..
Him..
He did this to me
Oh god
Now i have done it to another..
and i now forgive him
Now.. i see why..

I walked away from my heart and left it at his doorstep
Hoping one day he would walk out and not step over it,
but trip and fall on his face..
He finally tripped...

In an instant..He threw away all of his pride
Said the words I almost died to hear..
and I fell apart..
Let the world disappear as i knew it would
and ran into his arms..

I am sorry world.. for loving someone I cannot live without.

I am Complete.

Yesterday.

2006-12-04T13:02:00.000-05:00

Im tired of turning around
Tired of falling and grasping for ground
Let go.. watch this crash
The silence is comforting.. It means no one is left crying
I place my finger over my lips..
Don't let yourself speak
Now is not the time
You are weak
You are so fragile
I steal away your eyes
Do not watch their tears
Do not see them cry
Close the door and cover your ears
Stare at these walls and wipe away your tears
I will be your greatest mistake
There is no question about this
Hurts to love me.. hurts to know
Rips me apart everytime you must go
(even when my car got stuck in the snow)
Take my last breath of the air you breath
Watch the love turn to insanity
It clings to my lungs and makes things wrong
I turn to Hush.. wasnt that our song
shhh... this is the end
Why do the tears set fire to my soul
Why have i been lifted to see what is Whole
to lie here shattered.. dropped from the heights of the stairway
Roll over and stare at the moon
I will remember our yesterday

I am HIS.

2006-11-28T17:32:00.000-05:00

Drop another pill into my mouth..
Because i need it?
No because He said to
He said.. You have emotional issues..
Then he left
I loved once
I loved with such intent that it actually hurt to love so much
and now..
here
at the end
I swore I stood up and picked up the pieces
I swore I was ready to love again
and I walked away from that spot..
but left something behind
Something I fear may never be a part of me again
Remember the magic of naivity
When you could almost hear santas reigndeer on christmas eve?
Remember when you stayed up so late trying to see the tooth fairy?
Remember how sure you were ther was a monster under your bed?
I lost my innocent heart
Put everything into an Idea.. closed my eyes and reached out for something that i believed so deeply existed..
All of my life
The minute he turned to me as he left.. and said.. Just remember.. I love you..
and I replied.. No Chris.. You dont.
My innocense was lost.. forever.
As much as I wanted to believe I COULd find that feeling again..
As much as I told myself... you tasted what You Can have
Will I love once again?
Will the emptiness shatter and bring back what i have lost?
I am done searching my soul
I have made peace within myself.. with God.
SO he has gifted me..
And i reach out and love as he would..
I give as he would..
Yet I hurt.. and hurt.. and hurt
Breaking those i love
Tearing them up inside
Trying to save the lost
Trying to open the eyes of the abandoned
That is why I have suffered
That is why I cannot fall
If your love is not whole in our God..
It will never feel whole inside me
That is why I cannot fall
Because he controls me
He will not let me leave my path
I am his.
HIS.
There cannot be Light in the darkness.
There cannot be Love without God.
I am Light.
Are you Darkness?

You and Me.

2006-11-27T18:13:00.000-05:00

I hold onto this tiny heart
Fragile.. sensitive to the world
Broken by the careless ones
So now i stand back behind the scenes..
Praying to hear it beat once again..Without me
Regretting the day I crossed this path
Motionless to its reaching out to me
Hiding from the lashings of a lover scorned
I cannot save you love
I cannot be what you are searching for
Not for You
Not for Me.

Like a winter wind passing on your warm cheek
I will live within the shadows
Hiding from what you see as life
Waiting to protect you from death
I will never falter from your need of me
But i will not stand in the way of this pain
I have taken your heart only to protect you
and left an emptiness instead
I have given you a love only to show you
and left a veil over your eyes
I have failed..
Broken You
Broken Me

Im almost healing now.. its almost time
To take this world and make it mine
Ill be back for you.. as a friend
When you are ready to realize.. this is not the end
I promised forever.. I say what I mean
Into eternity i will carry this..
Into a fate that will go unseen
What has been Given to You
Has been Taken from me.

Please do not hate what I had to become
Do not blame what you are
I thought i could fix everything
I could not be the one
I thought i could give you your dreams
But it was not within me..
Giving in to you.. meant giving myself away
Id live for only your happiness..
But steal from me my yesterdays
Forgetting what it was i wanted
What My heart longed for
Where my soul longed to thrive
Neglecting what it is that calls to me
The touch that brings me to life
So here i am.. wishing away our pain
Letting go of the silence
It can never be the same
Conclusions are made
You have to see
I've Made the choice
Abandon You?
or
Abandon Me?

Born without.

2006-11-22T10:37:00.000-05:00

I had an epiphany today.. That we are not born with hearts to be broken.. but we build our heart as we live.. Taking from each love, each heartbreak and rebuilding what we think our Love should be. Every passing relationship has been such a lesson to me.. what I want.. what i do not.. What i can live without.. What i cannot. Sometimes I am introduced to aspects of my heart that I did not know existed.. and with the next relationship.. it has simply become something that I must have this time as well.. So my heart is a compilation of what I need.. and what It will take to make it feel whole.. when each little sliver of what has been brought together to this place inside my chest is Lit up and "Good to go". Do not ever think your walls are a bad thing. Someone strong will not try to tear them down.. But come climbing over them to free you from the inside!

Born Without.

Piece by piece i discover my soul
Love by Love I put together
what was not created whole

Pushing through the embers
of hearts given and burned to ash
I search for the remnants of what was there
Building my future, with lessons of my past

I know what i am feeling
But have i become silent this time
Tired of speaking emotion
Tired of living through rhyme?

This gift is not mine
To do as i may
But to work for my god
and give it away

Every turn my life has taken
Woken from this worldly sleep
Alas my soul is Lit and waken

My lover walks away
Leaves the door open
Goodbye to a friend
Welcome another..
I'd hate to pretend

So my heart was never truly broken
Just never really there
With every passing love
I placed within me, What i loved to share

KNowing and needing what it is i once had
to pull from the inside to make me feel
To go beyond what has been
understood as real
To lose my eyes and see the truth
That a heart cannot be shattered
if there is nothing there to lose

Born with nothing.. No heart to give
Build my Wholeness, as I live

So its never really love and loss
Behind the tears and pain
Im collecting ideas of being complete
It is simply Love and gain.

Inside Out.

2006-11-20T13:05:00.000-05:00

I wish i would have lost you
When i cry out at night to know you may be listening
I wish you were taken from this world
and searching the heavens for peace
Looking down on this dismal place
Looking down over me

I wish you didnt walk away
Healthy and strong
No sign of weakness aside from your love for me
You may have thought you were breaking
But you not once turned around
There.. is where the true boldness lies
That is what you have hidden inside

Pull me from the outside
Pull me from the outside

We used to laugh at the world
Pulling eachother close
Watching them pass by
Knowing if we could not fathom what we had
That it was beyond what anyone else would
we would do anything in our power we could
To stand outside
Now it is all left inside
Hidden on the inside

Save me from the outside
Save me from the outside

So here I lie.. Injuries left by you
My mind cant wander.. My heart So Gone
I no longer love you.. Because I no longer know how to
I wish you didnt make me think.. what is wrong with me
When there was really something wrong with you
I wish you didnt tell me.. You cannot handle all of this
You made me learn to love myself
To never Need anyone else
Not because that is whats in my heart
but because.. my mind has turned on
Thinking.. wondering.. Rationalizing
WHy have you cursed me with doubt
Why do i ask myself.. can i live without
My soul has abandoned me..
It wanted so much more
Willing to risk everything
To have you walk through that door
Now the words.. they scare me
Now the touch.. I fear to remember

Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to hide

Id rather be sitting above you.. crying at your grave
Then looking back at you.. walking away
There is too much left to bury
So I cannot lay your soul to sleep
I cannot speak your name
I have died and nothing left to keep
My heart will never love the same

Broken on the inside
Nothing inside me left to hide...

Walking Waiting Living Dying.

2006-11-19T18:37:00.000-05:00

Im still here on borrowed time
Fingers crossed.. eyes open wide
Walking waiting living dying
Seeing your shadow
Run into hiding
Just cant stop my eyes from crying

Nothing dies that knows not living
Nothing takes that has not given
No one wakes before they sleep
No one gives away what they cannot keep

Pictures hanging on the wall of my heart
Cherishing a love that seems so far
Waiting living Dying Walking
I see the words.. when no ones talking

Somewhere isnt where we want to go
Something isnt what we want to know
Sometimes we cant give our all
Sometimes its too damn hard to fall

Songs are playing in the depth of my soul
I can hear yours. can you hear mine too
Living Dying Walking Waiting
I see your mind crashing.. Contemplating

Tomorrow should not be what we know
Yesterday should not be where we wish to go
Today is time to Live and Exist
Today you need to take hold of this

Words are whispering through my mind
This is what i long for but it is not time
Dying Walking Waiting Living
I have nothing left that i have not been Giving

Could this be it, the way things will be?
Have I something left inside which only you can see?
This Life has given us such limited time
for
Walking waiting living and dying

"Finding Emo"

2006-11-15T23:25:00.000-05:00

This world
Such Hate
I am destined to cry
This is my fate

Where is the love
I pull up my gloves
My eyeliner withstands my tears
without a smudge

My hair is so black
What do you think of that?
Over my eye
So you cant see me cry

No one loves me
Im pretending to shy
this is what i must be
Its not gay to kiss a guy

Take my picture
Hold on let me look sad
Ill look up from down here
I have to comply to this fad

Hold the camera high
Omg
Thats hawt
I look like im about to cry

Goodbye Im sorry
I made your life so bad
When im gone will you think about
all the lonely times you had?

No one wants to be my friend
They called me an Emo
and stole my new pen

Life isnt fair
Does Anybody Care
I dont understand
I have such cool hair

Im going to end it all
They didnt invite me to the mall
Silence
Darkness
Blood on my wall

Im going to do it this time
Im so alone this world is so cold
Im trying pathetically to rhyme
Im too pretty to die old!

On this Knight.

2006-11-15T23:15:00.000-05:00

A day
A whisper
A smile
A flower

A minute
An Angel
A shadow
An hour

Relentless to Linger
Release to be found
Resenting the past
When no one's around

For you
I falter
For You
I shine

With you
I feel fire
Our souls intertwine

Without you
no memory
Without you
never was

You lift me high
upon your shoulder
As you bow
To glorify your love

In between.

2006-11-15T14:05:00.000-05:00

So im lost in the night
Nothing is alright
I am calling out to you
With a pain i have never known
Im calling on your strength
Cause this poison is coursing its path
How could i see a future
While i linger in my past?
This ache is too much to keep
These wounds have gone way too deep
Im asking you to take this all away
Just promise me my one more day
It is just too much to take
Please help me get through
Was I chosen to endure?
There is nothing left that i can do
Im lost and bound to this floor
I am laying this all down for you
I just cant withstand this anymore
I bow down at your feet
I reach deep within my soul to meet
You..
Somewhere
In between
I put my faith within your word
But i feel as if Ive gone unheard
That this life is being stolen from me
I am trying to touch.. what I cannot see
I want to let the sorrow go
I want to look at the sky once again
There are so many things i still need to know
So many words my soul must sing
I need to feel your spirit..
Lift me from this place
To hold me and release me from
What this world cannot replace
Give me your solace
Fill me with your light
Guide me on this path
Beside you I will fight.

Spent.

2006-11-11T04:00:00.000-05:00

I am breaking free from the silence once again
Push you down and run for cover
Your life is Under siege
All your fires are blazing to Destroy me
Im not lingering in this place
There is so much more
left to erase
I gain no control in falling from your grace
But im content to release what I can't replace
I cannot fight this battle from the floor
Your mind cant make up..
who you are anymore
Like a magnet you attract your opposite
Trying to steal what it is You cannot possess
You tear them apart at will
I am so fucking sick of this
I wont be your reason to regret
There is so much left I need to forget
I have stolen a higher place
Fought my way to get away from you
From here I no longer see your face
From here I can ignore.. what I cannot undo
Dont allow me to become what you hate
Do not let me get in the way of your fate
So you do not believe in destiny
I forbid you to dream of holding onto me
You can no longer live here in my mind
Your days are spent
You are out of time
Travel on from my memory
Unspeak the words that have been unkind to me
Take your ticket and walk away
Before I leave you with all hells ransom left to pay

Call me? Ok?